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Gov. Perry Resigns to Spend More Time Fighting Crime as Perry the Platypus

Rick Perry has stolen the thunder from the hopeful Republican presidential nominees once again. In a bombshell of a press conference held earlier today, Perry announced that he was resigning as Governor of Texas so that he could fight the evil genius of Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz on a full-time basis. Casually, almost as an aside, Perry revealed that he has been moonlighting as the secret agent, Perry the Platypus (“Agent P”), since 2007.

Perry cited the simplicity of a truly black and white world as the main reason for his abrupt resignation. “Loo...

Student Drivers Disoriented Due to Non-Stop Texting

LISD Driver’s Education Director, Frank Machacek, made an alarming presentation at the School Board Meeting Thursday night. Machacek reported that 96 percent of his students have absolutely no idea where any street or building is located in LaCucaracha. “In a nutshell, they’re habitually lost every time they get behind the wheel,” Machacek revealed in a Power Point presentation as the letters, “L-O-S-T” danced across the screen, one at a time, underscored by the intro graphic from the popular TV show.

“We Built This City” was the title of Frank’...

Town Abuzz Over New Restaurant That Will Go Out of Business in Six Months

LaCucaracha residents were ecstatic to hear the news that a new pizza parlor would be opening on the LaCucaracha square in early February. John and Beverly Sanders, who recently relocated to our fair town from Corpus Christi, were looking for a fresh start after John was laid off from his job as a supervisor at a lawn sprinkler manufacturing company. “We drove through LaCucaracha,” said Sanders, “and thought that it could really use a good pizza joint. So, here we are!”

As usual, everyone seems very excited about the prospect of somewhere new to...

Man Duped for 11th Straight Year by Electric Razor Claims

“I just knew this Christmas would be different. They said it was new and improved with Turbo Laser technology. They promised it would shave as close a blade, but once again I’ve been duped,” said John Jacobs.

According to John’s sister, Kerri Jacobs, she believes her brother is caught in a perpetual cycle with no end in sight. It all starts around Thanksgiving when we start discussing what everyone might want for Christmas. “Sooner or later John mentions how it sure would save time if he could shave on the way to work. Then someone reminds him t...

Perry Unveils Plan to Replace Postal Carriers with Mormon Missionaries

Texas Gov. Rick Perry unveiled a major cost cutting plan through a faith based initiative to cut $1.7 billion per year from the US Postal Service budget. He explained this is just a taste of the “out of the box” ideas he has to cut wasteful government spending.

The event had an element of suspense, as Perry had invited former Mass. Gov. Mitt Romney to accompany him on stage. Romney told reporters prior to the event that the Texas Governor had issued him an invitation, but refused to reveal any details about the announcement.

Gov. Perry proposed a...

Doctor Blames Spotify and Facebook for Man’s Nervous Breakdown

Stone “Vinyl” Brooks suffered a complete nervous breakdown this past weekend after signing up for a free Spotify music streaming account. Brooks is a self described “music snob,” who spent a lifetime building a library of music knowledge and a taste for some of the finest critically acclaimed musicians of our time.

“I remember dreading when Stone would ask for a ride home back in high school,” said Mary Elizabeth Walker. “He would start going through my tapes and sneering about ‘how much better I was than this trash.’ I was always like, ‘Stone! ...

Texas Restaurant Charges for Chips and Salsa

Dear Texas Cockroach,

As a concerned citizen and lifetime member of the SPJST Hall of LaCucaracha, I felt a duty to share a disturbing experience with the community. You know, someone’s always going on about signs of a total breakdown of our society, but I never pay too much attention to that kind of talk. Most of you know that I’m a straight shooter.

It all started when I received the following coupon on my computer electronic mail. I stared at it a while, feeling my blood pressure start to rise. Then, I told myself, “Hank, this has to be a typo...

Rick Perry Forgets Third Side Order, Nearly Causes BBQ Riot

Taking a much needed break between GOP campaign stops, Rick Perry inadvertently caused a near riot at Armadillo BBQ in downtown LaCucaracha Friday afternoon.

Perry’s visit to the regionally famous BBQ joint caused quite a stir with the locals, but that excitement quickly turned dangerous when Perry could not remember the final side dish he chose after ordering the Armadillo’s famous “3 Meat-3 Side Deal.”

Things began well enough, with Perry chatting supporters up while in the buffet-style line. Looking over the succulent meats and delicious sides...