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GM’s Substandard Market Niche Threatened by Toyota

Chevy Thomas, owner of Chevy’s Chevys Lone Star Autoworld, the local GM dealership, spoke at the LaCucaracha Optimists Club luncheon today. Thomas revealed a pessimistic outlook on the domestic auto industry now that Toyota is threatening its market niche. “We have dominated the substandard vehicle market for years, and now Toyota is cleverly trying to move into this market,” said Thomas. “We owned that segment, but now we’re facing stiff competition from a relentless competitor.”

Chevy explained that the average middle class American expects hi...

Bin Laden Accidentally Sends Mix Tape To Al-Jazeera

In an apparent shipping mishap, Osama bin Laden sent a mix tape intended for LaCucaracha head cheerleader, Tiffany O’Keefe, to the Al-Jazeera network for worldwide broadcast instead.  In a note attached to the chromium dioxide (CrO2) Maxell XLIIS cassette tape, bin Laden explained that he became smitten with the Armadillos senior after seeing her image on a CNN report about fundraising for the victims of the recent Haiti earthquake.  As all LaCucaracha residents know, O’Keefe was featured in the CNN report for her efforts on behalf of her churc...

Rick Perry Sends 10,000 Buses to Evacuate Haitian Population to Texas

In a surprise move, Rick Perry attempted an encore performance of his Hurricane Katrina rescue, dispatching 10,000 buses to Haiti to rescue earthquake victims. The plans went awry yesterday when bus drivers started calling the Governor’s Office from South Florida claiming there was no land bridge to Haiti as the Governor had claimed. Gov. Perry’s initial reaction was “ Can’t , isn’t a word in my vocabulary. I don’t care what the FEMA bureaucrats are telling you. Drive those buses to Haiti!”

Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson, Perry’s chief challenger i...

State Of The Art Isolation Booth/Electrical Closet Lures Mike Leach To Armadillos

Sources have confirmed that former Texas Tech head coach, Mike Leach, has interviewed, and been offered, the vacant offensive coordinator position for the Armadillos.

Anonymous “recruiters” apparently sent Leach information on Coach Bryant’s state-of-the-art isolation booth and electric shock center for lazy players.  Leach was impressed.  His agent and lawyer sent out feelers to the LISD athletic department and a clandestine meeting was arranged.

Negotiations are on-going with only a couple of sticking points remaining:

· Leach is demanding that ...

Local Man Returns From Tour Of Duty In War On Christmas

Local resident and mercenary, Mark Smith, recently returned from a tour of duty in the War on Christmas.  Smith was deployed in October because, he explained, “the War on Christmas starts earlier and earlier each year.  Normally, in October, I’d be involved in the War on Halloween but I skipped that battle this year to get right into the scrap with Christmas.”

It is unclear what side Smith fought for.  In fact, it is unclear if there are even “sides” to begin with.  And after talking to Smith, the Texas Cockroach is not sure there’s even an actual...

Tim Tebow Actually Jesus’ Cousin, On Joseph’s Side

Local resident, Toby Budreaux, found out the hard way that the sports media’s rampant deifying of Tim Tebow actually turned out to be spot on.  While the rest of us learned of Tebow’s lineage at a press conference following Florida’s loss in the SEC championship game, Budreaux actually heard from Tebow the previous evening.  Tebow appeared as an angel in Budreaux’s crimson and cream painted room (Budreaux is originally from Alabama) to warn him about his blasphemous and profane ways, because all signs from his uncle (God) pointed to the Second ...

T-Dog Oppressed by LISD

The LISD School Board held an emergency session today to address a lawsuit filed by Ted McMurtry of Desoto, TX regarding the negligent education of their son, Teddy Jr., aka “T-Dog.” It all started when Ted and his wife Amber took a two month trip to China, leaving 17-year old T-Dog with his grandparents Fred and Eula McMurtry of LaCucaracha.

The unfortunate misunderstanding began when T-Dog arrived for his first day at LaCucaracha High, and administrators failed to identify him as Eula’s grandson, Teddy Jr., who had pre-registered by mail.  “He...

Newcomer Runs Out of Ideas to Charge More for Barbecue‏

Kai Lambert's quest to bring upscale comfort food to LaCucaracha appears to have run its course.  In the past year, the mysterious owner of Fatty's BBQ has repeatedly raised prices, using every possible gimmick to justify each increase.  But after one final gospel brunch ($25) this Sunday, the mercurial eatery will yield to local tastes and return to the same mediocre food and acceptable prices that had been just fine with everybody since 1948.

Lambert had managed similar transitions in Austin and Dallas, most recently at "Mama's Cupboard" in Ri...