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Friend’s Visit Cancellation Kills Couple’s Motivation To Clean House

Local couple, Ted and Susan Hawkes, lost all motivation to clean their house when their friends, the Mendels, from San Antonio had to cancel their LaCucaracha weekend plans due to an illness in the family.

The Hawkes had been putting off house cleaning for several weeks because of the impending visit. “We knew,” said Mrs. Hawkes, “that we’d have to clean right before the Mendels came so there really was no point cleaning the house before then. I mean, who wants to clean the house two or three times, right?”...

City Council Ponders Abolishing Rules, Regulations and Laws

Student council president, Leslie Pickett, caused quite a stir at last week’s city council meeting. Pickett, a young political junkie, has been following local, state and national politics for most of her 17 years, but she has been paying particularly close attention over the last six months. Anyone who attends the council meetings is surely familiar with Leslie, as she attends vigilantly and takes copious amounts of notes on the proceedings with her trusty laptop.

Pickett explained that her request for a place on the agenda was spurred on by th...

Men Strongly Support Same Sex Marriage – As Long As It’s Two Chicks

While the Supreme Court debates the merits of DOMA and California’s Proposition 8, local and state polling data show that an overwhelming amount of men support same sex marriage, as long as it’s between two chicks.

Locally, 97% of men supported the right for members of the LGBT community to legally enter into marriage as long as those members of the LGBT community were women. “Yeah,” said local accountant, Steve Powers, “of course a couple of hot, young, babes should be able to get married. Why isn’t this legal already?” When asked about those m...

Local Man Has No Answer For Why He Was In Shower So Long

LaCucaracha native, Jim Swarthing, spent upwards of 45 minutes in the shower this morning, but when asked by his wife “what he was doing in there” Swarthing could only muster a muddled, incoherent response that left his wife unsatisfied.

When pressed further by his spouse, Swarthing became increasingly testy with his responses. He began by treating the inquiry as a really stupid question. “Well, duh,” said Swarthing sarcastically, “I was bathing.” Without missing a beat, his wife responded, “For 45 minutes?”

Swarthing then elaborated by stating t...

New Tattooed Resident May As Well Start Killing People

Greg Robinson, new to LaCucaracha via Austin, has tattoos covering over 60% of his body. As anyone who has moved to LaCucaracha can attest, being new is enough to make you the talk of the town for months - even years - but if you also happen to be different in any way (not being white, for example), well, you better have industrial-thickened skin.

The rumors about Robinson started as soon as he set foot in town. Gossip spread faster than a greased pig on Ben Johnson’s 1988 steroids that Robinson was a serial killer and it was only a matter of ti...

Feral Hog Benefit Bike Race Ends in Tragedy

The People for the Preservation of Feral Piggies Foundation, (PFPFPF), an Austin based animal rights group, hosted a bike race along the newly opened 130 Toll Road from Georgetown to Seguin called “Pedal for Piggies.” The goal was to raise money and awareness for the preservation and protection of the feral hog population in Texas.

Feral hogs have been decimating Texas farm and ranch land statewide, creating an escalation of large scale “hog hunts” to eradicate the growing herds of wild boar. Recent fatal accidents along the Texas 130 toll road ...

Divorcing Couple Assure Children It’s Totally Their Fault

LaCucaracha couple, Dan and Susan Evans, filed for divorce after sixteen years of marriage, citing their two children as the sole reason for their impending split.

“Certainly,” said Mr. Evans, “if it weren’t for the kids, we’d stay together. It’s totally their fault.”

“It’s true,” confirmed Mrs. Evans, “those kids caused this divorce. Bottom line: they are solely responsible.”

Through uncontrollable sobbing and incoherent blubbering, Toby, 11, and his sister, Megan, 6, tried to convey their shock and dismay at the news of their parents separation....

Houston Man Begins Trial For Fronting

J’aramel Edwards, accredited Houston area G (allegedly), was arraigned yesterday in Harris County Criminal Court for his arrest last month in Greenspoint. The defendant has been charged with two counts of fronting after explicitly stating, “I ain’t frontin’, yo,” in the presence of several eye witnesses while the alleged fronting occurred.

Proceedings began with the prosecution’s recounting of Edwards allegedly fronting his G-status in a public domain. Defense attorney Mike Lowell vehemently denied the fronting charges and avowed that Edwards wa...