During Lance Armstrong’s highly anticipated sit down with Oprah Winfrey, the disgraced cyclist admitted to using his celebrity to cover up the fact that he has murdered seven people since 1997.
The revelation came as a shock to everyone, including Ms. Winfrey herself. “Wait,” said a clearly stunned Winfrey, “you’re telling me, and the world, that you have straight up murdered seven people over the last fifteen, sixteen years?”
“Yep,” replied Armstrong.
“Oh, thank God,” said Winfrey with a look of relief on her face. “I thought you were going to admit to doping to win bike races.”
Armstrong then detailed how over the last decade plus he has been pumping lead into people – mostly French – who “I didn’t really like,” including one guy who “reminded me of the French guy in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I put a cap in him before he could taunt me a second time.”
Winfrey then asked if the killings had anything to do with the doping charges levied against Armstrong throughout the years. “No,” said Armstrong, “I’ve never doped. I’ve never failed a drug test, and I’ve been tested over 500 times. That is a witch hunt and I won’t even address it further. I’m simply here to clear my conscious about those seven people I killed across three continents. I want to apologize to their families and let the authorities know where I disposed of the bodies.”
“You said most of these people were French,” queried Winfrey. “Yes,” responded Armstrong, “five French and two assholes – and believe me, I know an asshole when I see one.” Winfrey then dispatched several members of her staff to find out if killing a French person was even illegal any more.
Armstrong then detailed how it took a team of people – doctors, teammates, assistants, mechanics, PR people – to keep the murder spree under wraps. “I could not have pulled this off alone,” said Armstrong.
Part 2 of the interview was scheduled to air Friday night. Armstrong purportedly revealed the pertinent details about each murder, but as of press time the airing has been canceled due to polling information that found no one cares about the murders, just as long as he didn’t take drugs to ride a bike really fast.