FOUND: Two head of cattle. Actually, I should clarify: I mean that I literally found two head of cattle. Just the heads. They were in the middle of C.R. 102 on Saturday. Call Gerry at 3699 if they’re yours.
FOUND: Red ACME brick in my living room via my living room window. Call Teddy “Tree Hugger” Ross for more information.
FOUND: Stray calf. Call Rollie at 9936.
LOST: Heifer. Siebolt brand. Call the Siebolt ranch at 9363.
LOST: Day Laborer. Last seen in the bed of my F450 truck on County Road 152. Had potential as a good hand – not sure if he jumped or was pushed out. Nobody’s talkin’. Call Buddy at 9872
LOST: My daughter’s virginity. If I catch the sumbitch that knocked her up I’ll put you in the ground! In the ground you hear! Signed, Bill Huffman.