FOUND: Two head of cattle.  Actually, I should clarify: I mean that I literally found two head of cattle.  Just the heads.  They were in the middle of C.R. 102 on Saturday.  Call Gerry at 3699 if they’re yours.

FOUND: Red ACME brick in my living room via my living room window.  Call Teddy “Tree Hugger” Ross for more information.

FOUND: Stray calf.  Call Rollie at 9936.

LOST: Heifer.  Siebolt brand.  Call the Siebolt ranch at 9363.

LOST: Day Laborer. Last seen in the bed of my F450 truck on County Road 152. Had potential as a good hand – not sure if he jumped or was pushed out. Nobody’s talkin’. Call Buddy at 9872

LOST: My daughter’s virginity.  If I catch the sumbitch that knocked her up I’ll put you in the ground!  In the ground you hear!  Signed, Bill Huffman.