Dear Aunt Muriel
My 16 year old son recently dyed his hair black and has begun painting his fingernails too. I think he must be on drugs because I caught him drinking some kind of “energy drink.” His father says we need to send him to some drug abuse camp up between Dallas and Ft. Worth. I think it might just be a phase, and if we ignore it he’ll outgrow it. He’s still on the honor roll and is first flute in the band. What do you think?
--Worried Mom in LC
Dear Worried Mom in LC:
Well, Karen, I can remember when you had a green stripe in your hair, so I guess you would know all about outgrowing a phase, right? As for Steve, when he was in high school, his parents had to send him to that inpatient place – what was it called PDAP? DPAP? Something like that. All those Geringer kids were wild. Anyway, he’s probably afraid that the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree. I’m pretty sure you both should be more worried about that daughter of yours. If she doesn’t come up pregnant here pretty soon, I’ll eat my hat. Good luck, honey, you’re going to need it with those kids.
Dear Aunt Muriel:
I have a neighbor who is constantly looking in my windows and backyard. I don’t know what he is so interested in, but it’s starting to drive me crazy. What should I do?
--Invaded in LC
Dear Invaded in LC:
This letter has to be from Nancy Bateman, since you must be talking about Saul Beltran peeking over your fence. I think it should have been part of the disclosure when you bought your house. Living next to that man is like having asbestos or termites! Of course, the fact that you sunbathe topless is common knowledge, so who can really blame him? After all, he is a man and they are hard-wired to stare at huge knockers. Ned can’t keep a thought in his head whenever you are around and you are dressed, so how is Saul supposed to resist a peek if you are naked? I think it doesn’t help things that everyone knows you have implants (I know you said you were at a “spiritual retreat” but I don’t think being spiritual affects cup size, otherwise Terri Martinez wouldn’t be so flat-chested!). So, to sum up, quit flaunting your wares in the backyard. Or at least quit complaining, if you didn’t want people to look, why did you pay for giant bazoomas? And would it kill you to close those living room curtains sometimes?