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Home Local LaCucaracha News New Tattooed Resident May As Well Start Killing People

New Tattooed Resident May As Well Start Killing People

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Tattooed man prepares to kill peopleGreg Robinson, new to LaCucaracha via Austin, has tattoos covering over 60% of his body. As anyone who has moved to LaCucaracha can attest, being new is enough to make you the talk of the town for months - even years - but if you also happen to be different in any way (not being white, for example), well, you better have industrial-thickened skin.

The rumors about Robinson started as soon as he set foot in town. Gossip spread faster than a greased pig on Ben Johnson’s 1988 steroids that Robinson was a serial killer and it was only a matter of time before he killed again. A recent poll, verified by Nate Silver, showed that 99% of respondents believed Robinson to be a mass murderer (the only dissenting respondent was, in fact, blind and could not see Robinson’s damning tattoos).

Robinson verified that not one person in town has looked him in the eye since he arrived. This includes dealings with real estate agents, bankers, grocery store clerks, restaurant staff, gas station attendants, law enforcement, neighbors, drug dealers and prostitutes (editor’s note: we cannot verify those last two, but it stands to reason that a person with that many tattoos certainly goes to crack and whore houses). It’s gotten so bad that Robinson has admitted to thinking about killing people just to live up to his reputation. “I may as well, right?” said Robinson.

Further complicating Robinson’s move to LaCucaracha is the fact that, according to Sheriff Welch, he is now the prime suspect in all of LaCucaracha’s unsolved murder cases dating back to 1837. When it was pointed out to Sheriff Welch that this would make Robinson over 175 years old, Welch was quick to point out, “Have you seen those tattoos? A guy like that doesn’t adhere to the normal space-time continuum. Much like Bill Snyder up at Kansas State, he defies physics. He’s some sort of dark wizard, I guarantee it.”

Despite all of this, Robinson is making the best of it. He’s even started to play around with unsuspecting clerks. Dahlia Blankenship, a senior at LaCucaracha High, who works nights at the Wag-A-Bag on C.R. 102 had an encounter with Robinson earlier this week. “He came in,” said Blankenship, “and was like, ‘You have any of that 5-Hour Energy stuff, ‘cause I just killed five people and could really use a pick-me-up.’ So, see, I know he’s a psychopath.”

Robinson has found solace in Sintown. According to Robinson, “Sintown accepts me for who I am, not for who I should be – I stole that out of a yearbook – and they don’t even notice the tattoos. Plus, they have a tattoo parlor which means I can finish up the homage to my mother and grandmother – God bless their souls – on my back.”

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