Local house cat, Moose, recently revealed that he would “totally vote for Gary Johnson if I were able.”
Born free to a barn cat on County Road 102 between LaCucaracha and Sintown, Moose was “rescued” (quotes Moose’s) shortly after the farmland’s owner passed away and the barn and other structures on the property were abandoned. Separated from his siblings and mother, Moose was sent to live with the Karnazes family under what he terms a “socialist regime.”
“Listen,” said Moose, “I’m not complaining about the freely provided food and healthcare, but I miss my old life of hunting mice and small birds – sometimes just for the sport of it. These people tell me when and what to eat, where to drop a deuce and when and where I can go outside – all under the guise of ‘what’s good for me.’”
Unable to articulate exactly what he was trying to say, Moose paraphrased an old Suicidal Tendencies song he once heard on the Karnazes’ stereo: “How can they say what’s in my best interest?”
Personal liberty is why Moose feels that Gary Johnson is the man for the White House. He feels that Obama will try to have too much sway with his life, but he also thinks Romney only speaks for the “cats that eat Fancy Feast and have hedge fund managers – whatever the hell that is – for owners.”
Johnson, on the other hand, offers what appeals most to Moose: freedom. Under Johnson, Moose believes he will be able to go outside whenever he wants, eat what he wants, defecate where he wants and sleep when he wants. “With Johnson,” continued Moose, “I don’t have to worry about being crated up and sent to some Middle Eastern country to hunt desert rats, where the local cats don't want me around anyway. Plus, he’ll end the war on drugs so if I want to get high by slurping discarded NyQuil, no problem.”
Moose also gets the sense that Johnson will not be susceptible to special interest groups like the ones his owners are clearly beholden to based on the special treatment his co-habitant, Rex, a rat terrier mix, receives. “The dog,” said Moose, “clearly has good lobbyists on his side. I wouldn’t be surprised if the dogs weren’t behind one of these super PACs.”
Moose also pointed out that Rex and his dog “buddies” are “total conformists.” “They put a leash on him, he’s happy,” said Moose. “He’s always ecstatic to go for a ride in the car even though it may be a trip to the vet or he might just end up dumped on a country road. He totally buys into whatever our owners say. If they complain about the price of dog food, he blames the sitting President – never mind that the ingredients are a commodity. You ever try explaining the commodities market to a dog?” Moose answered his own question with a face paw.
“I know some will be against me and my ilk having total freedom to hunt and kill like I like to do,” stated Moose. “The Audubon Society, for example. To them I say: birds can fly. If a creature that has the advantage of flight gets caught by the likes of me, tough titties. Every time I catch one, I always think, ‘stupid bird.’”
Moose acknowledges it’s all moot though, as he won’t be able to vote due to strict voter ID laws.