With the dog days of summer almost behind us, people all over the country are taking time to reflect on how hot it’s been. The nation saw record-breaking temperatures and droughts in the Midwest and Northeast regions, but no one was more caught off guard than Americans in states that are traditionally, by all accounts, hot as shit. “It was hot,” grumbled Taylor Murray, a resident of San Antonio and third generation Texan. “I mean, this is Texas in summertime, but it was hot!”
Nearly 1300 miles away in Miami, FL, a city synonymous with sweltering heat and near unbearable humidity, folks echoed the same sentiment. “It was really hot out. Some days I wasn’t sure how hot it was, so I was like, ‘Hot, isn’t it?’ to people, and everyone agreed that it was,” South Beach club promoter and huge douche Frankie Aguirre said via his Ustream page. “And, since people have different, like, feelings of what’s hot, I try to say, ‘Hot enough for ya?’ to at least a dozen people a day,” he added.
While most would assume people in any US state that isn’t Alaska would be accustomed to summer heat by now, they’d be wrong—dead wrong—as witnessed at neighborhood bar Don Julio’s Cantina in Phoenix, AZ, a city whose temperatures regularly reach over 106 degrees in the summer months, and where patrons spend upwards of 4-6 hours a day voicing their disbelief at just how hot it is. Owner Pat Channelview estimates that weather related conversation accounts for roughly 75% of the bar’s dialogue, with the remaining conversation being about the state’s immigration issues, and sometimes both, e.g. “You hear what happened in Nogales yesterday? I’ll tell ya, it’s so hot down there, I don’t know how the police do nothing.’”
Furthermore, while the city’s climate has remained virtually identical to its earliest recorded temperatures in 1881, a recent poll shows that a staggering 92% of residents say they “Didn’t know it was going to be this hot.” Channelview also told us that while it’s definitely hot out, folks are grateful it’s not as bad as last year: “Last summer set the bar pretty dang high,” he said. “This is tough right now, but thank goodness it’s not as nasty as that was. We could use a good tropical storm, though, I’ll tell you what.”
But not everyone wants to talk about the heat. Pool boy Nick Mathews, an employee at a resort on Florida’s Gulf Coast, has heard it all, and he’s downright fed up. “I work outside all day, and then I have to go inside and hear some asshole from the front desk say, ‘Is it hot out?’” he fumed. “I swear, someone asks me that again, I may just straight up murder him.”