Armadillo offensive line coach, Lyle Sizemore, has been suspended from the team for “not yelling enough,” according to Coach Bryant. The length of the suspension is unknown as of press time, but Sizemore has not been seen at any of this week’s two-a-day practices, nor in any weight room sessions, since the incident occurred during the Monday morning practice.
According to witnesses, the event that caused the suspension was a missed assignment from potential starting right guard, Brock Higgins. Higgins’ blown block allowed a TFL (tackle for loss) on a routine running play. Immediately after the tackle, Coach Sizemore moved in and addressed Higgins. However, it was noted that Sizemore did not grab Higgins by the facemask, or any other part of his person, nor did he explode in a fit of rage – much to the chagrin of the estimated crowd of 2,000 watching the practice.
Instead, Sizemore calmly took Higgins aside and began to go over – in detail – the reasons for his missed assignment. “He was going over technique,” said linebackers coach, Jim Haskell, “and giving him a primer on pad level and squaring his shoulders. He told him it was all about getting leverage on the guy across from him. That evolved into a lesson about acquiring defenders once he was in space. It was odd though, because he did it all in a normal tone of voice – just calmly explained what he did wrong and what he needed to do to fix the problem.”
That’s when Coach Bryant burst on to the scene. Bryant lit into Sizemore with a tirade not seen since last season’s drug-induced blowout loss to Sintown.
The chewing out session was a spot-on example of how Bryant wants his coaches to coach his players. In dressing Sizemore down, Bryant hit all the points of proper football coaching technique:
• Begin by yelling so loudly and angrily that everything is unintelligible
• Wave arms, and as much of torso as possible, frantically
• Perspire profusely
• Yell so much your face becomes beet red
• Fire off wads of spittle when using any bilabial fricative
• Spout old-school clichés such as, “you could ruin a free lunch” and “I think we found the missing village idiot”
• Ask the given player to do mathematically impossible tasks like “giving 110%”
• Be hoarse after completing rant
Coach Bryant released a short statement after practice, stating that, “I’m not sure what got into Coach Sizemore. There’s no place for rational discourse on a football field.”