Two professors at LaCucaracha Community College have determined that everyone in the past spoke with an English accent after a three-year study in which they watched thousands of movies. Possibly millions.
Frank Coburn, professor of Historical Studies, said, “After poring over thousands of films myself, it was pretty clear that, yeah, everyone in the past had an English accent. We also found that—and we’re not even sure that vampires exist or have ever existed, but if they did, then they have English accents, too. Even Keanu Reeves almost had one in that Dracula movie from the nineties.”
Coburn says this find could change everything we know about the past, and up to this point, everything we ever learned in school is bullshit. “Look at Gladiator—won five Academy Awards, nominated for twelve. Here, we were taught to believe these figures, the Romans, were speaking Latin, but that’s a lie; they spoke English,” says the professor. “Russell Crowe—he’s Australian, and yet he had the English accent. Do you think he would have learned the accent if he felt it wasn’t true to life? I don’t.”
Coburn’s partner in the study, Robert Patro, added, “I mean, look no further than the Underworld series. Four movies—great movies, and all the vamps had the accents. Rise of the Lycans took place, like, thousands of years ago. Accents? Hell yeah.”
Patro admitted they “could be wrong,” although he is confident time will reveal the validity of their theory. “We’re almost positive—ninety-eight percent, that we’re right with this,” he concluded.
Current attempts by detractors to disprove the theory using the catalog of Mel Gibson have done little to deter the professors. “Passion of the Christ, Apocalypto—completely inaccurate,” says Coburn. “Those languages aren’t even real, man. Hell, the Scottish accents in Braveheart are wrong, too.” Coburn also had no explanation for Kevin Costner’s British accent in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, “We’re still not sure what the hell that is; it’s almost like a modern American guy trying to sound medieval, but he thinks medieval is gay, and so this gay-knight-from-California voice kind of comes and goes.”
And while he wouldn’t go into detail, the professor hinted that we might soon be seeing some revised, more-historically-accurate versions of his favorite films in the very near future. “I’m a teacher. I want people to know the truth,” he says. “So yeah, Malcolm McDowell doing voice-over work for Jaguar Paw—coming soon.”