For those who have wondered what the male equivalent of a Plain Jane looks like, wonder no more, as LaCucaracha’s First Annual Vanilla Man Competition has announced its winner—a decision that wasn’t without controversy.
The two-day event drew hundreds of entrants from known breeding grounds of generic individuals like neighboring Louisiana and Oklahoma, to as far north as the Rust Belt. Several other belts were represented, as well. Jim Dandridge, a forgettable-looking LaCucaracha native and the event’s organizer, credited the region in the festival’s inception, saying, “We got a lot of plain looking people here. This is the Bible Belt—what do you expect folks to look like? It ain’t called the ‘Sexy Belt’. We’re proud of who we are. Go Armadillos!” Commendable hometown pride aside, some spectators were equally vocal in their opposition of it. “There’s nothing cool about this,” said Jesse Modica, a self-proclaimed stud. “These people are ghastly. They should be ashamed of their mediocrity.”
Others, like vendor Tom Hoffman, kept an impartial stance, and took the opportunity to capitalize on the very specific crowd. “We’re selling Longhorns gear like hot cakes here,” an enthused Tom revealed. “I’ve got a shipment of His and Her beach t-shirts flying in right now—the ones with a beefcake guy and hot woman’s bodies drawn on them. Totally masks the fat, ugly physiques of the people wearing them, ya know?” Tom expected the shirts to sell out inside of a couple hours.
The divisive competition came to a close Saturday night with the controversial crowning of Des Moines, Iowa native Kyle Braun as the inaugural Vanilla Man. The decision was immediately contested by several participants who felt Braun was more ugly than average. “Guidelines state you cannot be good-looking and you can’t be unattractive, and this guy is clearly the latter,” argued runner-up Albert Hernandez. Despite the protests, judges refused to overturn the decision, saying Braun exhibited all the average characteristics of a champion Vanilla Man.
Asked if he plans to defend his title next year, a gracious Braun said he hadn’t yet decided. The only thing the Vanilla Man did know is how he would celebrate: with a burger and vanilla milkshake from Carl’s Jr. A fitting meal for an average man.