Local teen, Kathy Copeland, recently explained to her cousin, Sarah, of Buffalo, New York, that, indeed, Texas is exactly as it is portrayed on the production of Dallas currently airing on the TNT network.
“My Aunt Jennie, Sarah’s mom, moved to New York, like, forever ago,” said Kathy. “Sarah’s only been to Texas, like, once or something. She totally knows, like, nothing about Texas.”
Jennie was a huge fan of the original Dallas series that aired from 1978 through 1991 and was very excited to see the continuation of the show all these years later. Normally, Sarah, showing her teenage years, would want absolutely nothing to do with anything her mother might be interested in, but in this case she was intrigued by the casting of Josh Henderson and Jesse Metcalfe as the hunky offspring of Bobby and J.R. Ewing, respectively.
According to Kathy, Sarah is “like, totally obsessed” with the show and now calls or texts with constant questions about Texas, and Dallas in particular. The questions were basic at first. “How far is LaCucaracha from Dallas?” for instance. This led to questions about oil, horses, ranch hands and Larry Hagman’s eyebrows.
“It just got so annoying,” continued Kathy, “that I finally told her that Texas was exactly like it was on the show. Yes, we all have, like, a thousand acre ranches that sit on a billion barrels of oil. We all name our ranches something like ‘Southfork’ or ‘Double DD’ or whatever. We only drive horses or black Mercedes SUVs.”
Kathy even explained that all Texas families have deep-seated sibling rivalries where the sides are cartoonishly virtuous or evil, usually delineated by the wearing of white or black cowboy hats to let passerby know which side they reside on.
When Sarah asked Kathy why her family didn’t allow oil drilling on their ranch, Kathy explained, “We’re all for ‘drill here, drill now’ and the Keystone pipeline and all that, as long as it doesn’t affect our property. Oil is, like, messy.”
“Most,” continued Kathy, “families, if not all, have an old grandpa or something that has survived multiple attempts on his life via gunshot. That’s just how we roll down here in Texas.”
Sarah informed Kathy that her family would be visiting Texas this summer for their vacation, all at the behest of Sarah. “I guess,” said Kathy, “we’ll have to rent some ranch hands and horses to make it look authentic.”