Recently, I purchased and installed a new stair lift in my house. I was showing it off to my neighbors, and they asked me if I put the lift in for my parents. They thought that was really sweet of me, to prepare my place for when my folks got too old to live on their own. I said, “Oh, hell no. It’s not for my parents, it’s for me.”
I mean, sure, I can walk. I’m capable of going up the stairs on my own, but why, when they make these awesome stair lifts? At first, I thought of putting in an escalator, but that still involves standing. I saw a stair lift ad on the TV, and I was sold.
It brought back memories of family ski trips when I was a boy. I hated skiing, but loved riding the chair lift. Now, I can turn down the thermostat, grab my old ski poles, and ride up and down all day. If I close my eyes, I can have an Aspen stay-cation any day of the week.
Combined with my recently purchased scooter, I almost never have to walk, or even stand, anymore. And since I installed the scooter lift on my truck, I even get to park in handicapped spots.
I thought about getting one of those Segway things instead of the scooter, but even Daniel Craig would look like a d-bag on one of those things. And, again, you still have to stand.
The stair lift brings me this much closer to attaining my ultimate goal of not ever walking again. I see people in wheelchairs and think, wow, how awesome would it be to not have to walk.
That’s what I’m shooting for, so don’t go thinking I’m putting in all of these awesome contraptions for altruistic reasons. It’s all about me, about fulfilling a lifelong dream that started when I was just a kid and used to marvel at the Lazy Susan my mom used to serve an endless amount of taco fixings. Remote controls came next. The stair lift is just a natural progression.
Walking is for suckers.