Last week, presumptive Republican presidential nominee, Mitt Romney, made his way through LaCucaracha while on the campaign trail. Romney was well-received by a large crowd despite the fact that most locals feel, in the words of Mayor Meyer, that Romney is “a liberal, flip-flopping member of a religious cult.”
The event came off without a hitch, but further investigation by the TCR, based on anonymous tips, revealed that Romney wasn’t in LaCucaracha at all last week. If you attended the event and felt Romney’s speech was a bit wooden, you weren’t alone. Nor were you incorrect, because Romney’s speech was, in fact, given by a six and a half foot long 2x4.
Initial suspicions were brought to the fore when Romney was able to make six campaign stops across the country in one day. A source inside the Romney inner circle confirmed that, indeed, five of those stops had 2x4s standing in for Romney. “No one,” said the source, “seemed to notice. We tried it during one of the Republican debates and that ended up being one of our better debate results.”
Locals didn’t seem surprised or shocked. “The dude is pretty stiff,” said Shirley Cochran, “and shows no signs of loosening up. I mean, have you seen him try and deliver a punch line? He didn’t even seem real when that reporter gave his wife the double entendre of a lifetime. How do you not make a ‘stiffy’ joke there? No one has that kind of control.”
Reportedly, several locals said they saw general contractor and carpenter, Roy Hutton, nailing “Romney” to the podium prior to his speech on the town square. Hutton could not be reached for comment, but the TCR did find an abandoned piece of lumber with a face scrawled on it in a dumpster behind the courthouse. And yes, it looked just like Mitt Romney.