A black Escalade with limo tinted windows lurks in a driveway as a small group of African American youths gather around a picnic table at a neighborhood park, their faces shadowed by hoodies. The young men free flow rap lyrics and beat box with the precision of a Swiss watch. These men are poets with remarkable intellect, flowing with the beat, as their baggy, sagging pants conceal hidden copies of works by Langston Hughes, Jericho Brown and Maya Angelou. As one of the boys, Malcolm, departs, he has a nagging feeling he will never reach his destination. He just knows deep down, tonight, he will never make his volunteer shift as a community center counselor. Malcolm notices the Escalade following him, but it’s too late. The doors fly open and the Fab 5 from Queer Eye flanked by Geraldo Rivera, tackle the boy, forcing him into the SUV as it speeds away into the night.
The terrified young man was speechless as Geraldo explained this was a new reality show designed to teach minority kids how to dress to avoid getting shot by crazy, racist gun owners with concealed weapons permits. “People clearly didn’t understand what I was saying about Trayvon Martin on Fox News,” said Geraldo, “so, I teamed up with the Fab 5 to show America firsthand what I’m talking about, because, well, I’m never wrong. I’m Geraldo.”
A bewildered Malcolm muttered something about “racists” and “not swinging that way,” but Geraldo slapped a piece of duct tape over his mouth. “I want to be very clear, our show is not racist. We also plan to kidnap white kids who dress like they are black – like that M&M singer. And in our season finale, we plan to kidnap Muslims and teach them how to avoid inciting feelings of bigotry and hate by wearing all of that garb in public.” Carson Kressley of the Fab 5 added, “OMG, those robes are so unflattering. At least they could wear a pair of Cesare Paciotti heels under there.”
The Escalade raced to the nearest outlet mall to the Lacoste store (This new show has a limited budget). The Fab 5+1 ushered Malcolm into the dressing room and forced him to try on a tight pair of khaki chinos, a colorful Madras print poplin shirt and a pair of white canvas shoes prominently displaying the brand’s signature alligator logo. The ensemble was topped off with a long sleeved boat necked cotton sweater that fashionista, Carson Kressley, demonstrated could be worn around the waist, over the back as a scarf, or all by itself as a form fitting top.
Jai Rodriguez, Queer Eye’s “Culture Vulture,” worked with Malcolm on speech inflections and “white and nerdy” phrases that could help him pass through any suburban neighborhood without getting shot by an angry, paranoid white man.
By the next afternoon, the Escalade pulled into a white suburban neighborhood and forced Malcolm out into the streets with a mission of walking home without being assaulted or stopped by the cops. As Malcolm tried to claw his way back into the SUV, the vehicle sped two blocks away to a hidden location. The Fab 5+1 watched in anticipation through a tiny hidden camera attached to Malcolm’s lapel. “I just know he can do it,” whispered a nervous Kyan Douglas.
Malcolm’s first close call came when he encountered a middle aged white gentleman trimming the hedges with a razor sharp power tool. Malcolm’s initial reaction was to move to the other side of the street, but he held steady, “That sure is a fine looking mini-van, sir. I’ll bet we could take the whole tennis team out for smoothies in a roomy vehicle like that!” The suspicion immediately faded from the man’s face, “Well, thank you son. I wish my boy would play a sport that didn’t involve a joystick.” The two shared a hearty chuckle. “I’m so proud, shouted Carson inside the Escalade! He’s acting so white – just like we taught him.”
Malcolm navigated several additional obstacles – all without being shot, and found his way home, completely traumatized. Just as the Escalade was about to pull away, a pair of vans screeched to a halt, blocking the road. A team of muscular men grabbed Geraldo and dragged him to the rear of the van. A marine type holding a microphone announced that he was Blake Manly, the new host of “Straight Camp,” and Fox had flagged Geraldo for a celebrity intervention after seeing him leave the station with the Queer Eye crew. The intervention team asked Blake if they needed to apprehend the Fab 5 for reprogramming. He shook his head, “Nah, let ‘em go. They’re too far gone, but there may be hope for Geraldo. He’s going to be a tough one. He’s had that gay mustache for a lot of years.”