In a stunning development, Kate Upton, niece of 13-term GOP congressman, Fred Upton, has thrown her bikini into the ring for the Republican presidential nomination. Karl Rove has left his position at Fox News to lead her campaign.
Before bringing Upton out for a Q&A session, Rove outlined her platform for the assembled gathering of press members, various fraternity brothers and Sports Illustrated carrying autograph seekers. “Let me tell you how Kate stands on the issues,” began Rove. “Kate stands at five foot ten on the issues! Am I right? Thirty-three D, twenty-five, thirty-six. That’s what I’m talking about! But seriously, folks, Kate will be running on a platform of, aw, who cares! Look at her! Come on out, Kate!”
Upton then emerged sporting an American flag bikini, although, it should be noted, there was only enough material to get three strategically placed stars on the swim suit. The all-male assemblage went crazy with hoots and hollers normally only found at strip clubs or construction sites of the 1970s. Upton said nothing, and nothing was asked of her. She simply posed in various positions that, while looking extremely sexy, are impossible for any human other than a yoga master to achieve.
Rove later explained the fact that Upton is only nineteen years of age as “a mere technicality.” Rove expanded that they “expect to get a waiver on the age requirement. We’re confident the Supreme Court will end up six to three in our favor. And I don’t think that will be along political lines, if you catch my drift.”
All of this excitement, enthusiasm and confidence over Upton has met with very interesting polling data though. According to Gallup pollster, Jillian Brewster, “The numbers just don’t add up.” Brewster explained that their numbers show an astonishing 92% of men have never heard of Kate Upton. That number rises to 99% when men were asked in front of their significant other. These numbers remained remarkably similar among gays and lesbians, too.
Upton’s uncle, Congressman Fred Upton, found the polling data interesting, but not surprising. “When I first mentioned this,” said Congressman Upton, “to my colleagues in the House, I was amazed at how many of them had never heard of my niece. They were all like, ‘you have a niece? She’s a swimsuit model? Really? I did not know that.’” Congressman Upton kept at it though, citing the experience the GOP had with Ronald Reagan. “It worked with Reagan. He was a good-looking movie star, and he’s still immortalized to this day. I think Kate has that same quality.”
Rove believes Upton will change politics as we know them. “This will not be a political battle. It won’t be red versus blue, or rich versus poor. This will be hot versus not. And I’ve got the hot. Democrats are switching allegiances at an incredible rate right now just to vote in the upcoming primaries and receive their free autographed campaign poster of Kate. They want Kate, in more ways than one. She transcends politics, religion, race, sexual orientation, age, you name it. Sure, most men will deny they’ve even heard of Kate Upton to their wives, but that’s why voting is kept private.”
When pressed on Upton’s lack of any sort of experience in the political field, Rove was still bullish on her market. Rove held a Sports Illustrated photo of Upton up and said, “Who cares? Look at her, for crissakes! Good God, man, think of the photo ops! You think Iran wants to launch a nuclear weapon and destroy that? I don’t think so. During the vetting process, I talked to many foreign leaders and they all seemed very open to dealing with Ms. Upton. Most of them, the married ones especially, denied ever hearing of her or seeing her, but after Googling her name they all seemed eager to work with her.”
Upton’s website describes how she first became interested in politics just following her eighteenth birthday. According to Upton’s own words on the site, “I was visiting my Uncle Fred in DC and he told me I should head over to the post office to register to vote. On my way to the post office I kept getting these weird texts from some guy named Weiner. I thought it was a joke at first, but then I remembered meeting him earlier in the day. He kept saying ‘I want you’ and sent some pervy pictures. Then I looked up and saw Uncle Sam pointing at me, also saying, ‘I want you’. That was freaky weird. I turn around and Karl Rove was there, staring at my ass, and then my breasts. I can’t fault him for that. I asked him what it all meant, and he said I should run for president. So I am.”