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Home Texas State News Perry Unveils Plan to Replace Postal Carriers with Mormon Missionaries

Perry Unveils Plan to Replace Postal Carriers with Mormon Missionaries

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Soon to be Obsolete USPS VehicleTexas Gov. Rick Perry unveiled a major cost cutting plan through a faith based initiative to cut $1.7 billion per year from the US Postal Service budget. He explained this is just a taste of the “out of the box” ideas he has to cut wasteful government spending.

The event had an element of suspense, as Perry had invited former Mass. Gov. Mitt Romney to accompany him on stage. Romney told reporters prior to the event that the Texas Governor had issued him an invitation, but refused to reveal any details about the announcement.

Gov. Perry proposed an ambitious program to replace postal carriers nationwide with Mormon missionaries, saving millions in salaries. Romney’s distaste for the plan was evident by his body language, but Perry outstretched his arm and said, “Hold on, just hold on, and hear me out Mitt.”

The Texas governor continued by offering Romney the position of “Vice President, or he could be Postal Czar to coordinate all of those people or something.” Perry said, “Look, Mitt. We all know it’s only the fanatics who vote in the primary, and there’s no way the God fearing evangelical Americans are ever going to elect you. Newt’s bound to have some illegitimate Muslim baby that’s going to pop up along the campaign trail, so let’s formalize the creation of the handsomest GOP ticket in history!”

For the first time in the campaign cycle, Romney stood speechless, possibly in shock, but it was difficult to determine.

Perry continued to outline his plan as a “win-win” for America. “It’s not like we’re going to force these missionaries into slave labor or something. We’re giving them a ticket in the front door. Do you really think your neighbor, Mrs. Wilson, is going to be more likely to answer the door if you’re holding her Social Security check or some pamphlet about Jesus visiting the Indians?”

Gov. Perry explained, “These are young, fit, honest folks who aren’t going to need a big health insurance package, they won’t steal your mail, plus they have their own bikes and uniforms. All we’d have to do is sew a patch on their white oxford shirts, and ‘ka-ching;’ bye, bye deficit.”

A reporter asked what would happen to the 340,000 unemployed postal carriers displaced by this plan. Perry grinned his signature ‘gotcha’ smile, and said, “You thought you’d trip me up with that one, but I’m one step ahead of you. Most postal service employees are ex-military. They get strong preferential treatment when interviewing if they served our country. Mitt and I plan to do a fair amount of global ass kicking while in office, so the ones that aren’t called up to serve in the Reserves, Blackwater has agreed to hire the rest.

Romney made a guttural sound at the mention of his name, but was otherwise unresponsive as Secret Service agents ushered him off stage and into his limousine. Perry told reporters, “Don’t worry about ol’ Mitt, he’s just got to let it all soak in. I figure with Cain dropping out and Romney’s anticipated departure to be my running mate, with a little luck, I could move up a spot in the polls.”

 

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