Stone “Vinyl” Brooks suffered a complete nervous breakdown this past weekend after signing up for a free Spotify music streaming account. Brooks is a self described “music snob,” who spent a lifetime building a library of music knowledge and a taste for some of the finest critically acclaimed musicians of our time.
“I remember dreading when Stone would ask for a ride home back in high school,” said Mary Elizabeth Walker. “He would start going through my tapes and sneering about ‘how much better I was than this trash.’ I was always like, ‘Stone! I’m not going to apologize for loving to sing along to Cindi Lauper and Loverboy,’ but he never got it. He always had to be into something no one had heard of before. Then, if someone he 'discovered' became popular, he'd drop them like a hot potato and say stuff like 'the only good R.E.M. is pre-Document R.E.M.' He could get really annoying.”
Harnessing the power of the Internet, Brooks was able to research artists night and day, learning every nuance of obscure signed and unsigned bands, memorizing bios of classic rock stars, while developing an insatiable appetite for commemorative box sets. Said Brooks, "It's no substitute for sitting in front of your stereo reading the liner notes over and over, but I have to say that the wealth of information out there now is astounding. I used to buy stuff because the cover looked cool or the band had a cool name, but now I can preview everything. The mystery is gone, but I can now enthrall even more people at parties with my intimate knowledge of band members of The Cramps."
Stone felt born again after reconnecting with his high school friends on Facebook who still respected his musical intellect and were too lazy to Google their own questions. Old friends would post inquiries on his wall like, “Hey Stone, what band was Billy Gibbons in before ZZ Top?” Within seconds he would reply, “Moving Sidewalks – they opened for Jimi Hendrix – ZZ Top was named after blues singer ZZ Hill.” Brooks had once again found his place in the universe; that is, until Spotify.
Brooks instantly fell in love with Spotify, which would not only allow him to stream millions of songs free of charge, but share his experience and playlists with Facebook friends. “It was a way I could show off, without showing off,” said Brooks. Unfortunately, Stone was working very late one evening writing computer code, and forgot all about the Facebook sharing feature of Spotify. With the door locked in the privacy of his soundproof studio/study, he cued up a custom playlist featuring Ke$ha, New Kids on the Block and Matthew Wilder. Before he knew it, he was up, out of his chair, doing the “mashed potato” dance; then he noticed a flood of instant messages popping up on his Facebook window.
At this point, the timeline becomes somewhat fuzzy as his daughter found him the next morning on the floor of his study in a fetal position while Tacos’s “Puttin' on the Ritz” blasted from his surround sound computer speakers. Apparently, his Spotify account continued to notify Facebook friends of his entire playlist of secret pleasures forbidden ear candy throughout the night.
The next day at the Sintown Psychiatric Center, Brooks, still unable to speak, used a computer to pull up his Facebook account to show the psychiatrist what had happened. To his dismay, Spotify continued to stream cheesy hits, and announced, “Stone Brooks just listened to ‘On the Radio’ by Donna Summer on Spotify.” Stone’s wife, Shelly, vowed to unplug and de-spotify Stone’s radio in his study that keeps saying bad things about him on Facebook,” but at press time, his playlist continued to be broadcast his affinity for the Backstreet Boys solo work.