As Libyan rebels were scouring the desert searching for Moammar Gaddafi, unconfirmed sources report he was negotiating with Gov. Rick Perry’s staff to live in exile in the Lone Star State. Preliminary negotiations would have allowed Gaddafi to pitch his tent near the West Texas town of La Mesa.
An extraction team was en route to Libya when Gaddafi viewed a segment on CNN International about record breaking temperatures, wildfires and drought conditions in Texas. In a rare moment of clarity, the erratic tyrant (Gaddafi, not Perry), called off his escape due to concerns of potential heat related illness. “I’ve lived my whole life in the desert, but do you seriously expect me to survive in those conditions?” Gaddafi told a loyalist aide. “I thought I could bribe the pilot to just to drop me on the Drag in Austin by the UT campus. I could hang out, muttering to myself, selling my wardrobe line of funky outfits on the street or something, but it’s Africa hot there, too.”
Gov. Rick Perry was outraged when he learned Gaddafi refused to board the Texas Guard helicopter at Abu Salim. At an impromptu press conference, Perry was quick to deny allegations of colluding with a foreign enemy. “That’s a bunch of hogwash! I was setting a trap for him. We have a reputation for swiftly taking care of his sort of scoundrel in Texas. I assure you he would have received an adequate helping of Texas justice.”
Perry explained, “I learned from Sarah Palin’s mistake when she claimed to have foreign policy experience because she could see Russia from her backyard. I have had to deal with Mexico every day for over a decade – more than those Washington boys – but those liberal reporters would have twisted my words and made me say something stupid like Sarah. They’re always making Sarah say stupid things.”
Anonymous sources from the Perry Campaign said the Texas Governor had planned to take Gaddafi to a secret detention facility off Padre Island where Texas political dissidents are often held for enhanced interrogation sessions. The unnamed source said Perry planned to parade Gaddafi out in chains on the New Hampshire primary campaign trail to “get a bump in the polls.” “Our staff hadn’t yet reached consensus on the best way to handle this,” the aide said.
Apparently, Perry’s strategy was to trump Obama’s success in Libya with a promotional campaign of “You started it, but I finished it,” bumper stickers and t-shirts. “It just seemed like a good way to demonstrate my foreign policy experience, and show the nation how we take care of business in Texas without needing a herd of Washington bureaucrats involved,” Perry said.
Gaddafi was reportedly shocked when he learned of the plot for his capture. “In the good old days, once a dictator had been in power for at least 10 years, like Perry, we could trust each other. It was an honor code among autocrats and despots. You just can’t trust anyone these days.”