Warren Jeffs, head of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, is appealing his life sentence thanks to new defense lawyer Byron James’ medical findings. According to James’ evidence, Jeffs suffers from Pedophilioophole Syntoma, colloquially known as Benjamin Button Disease, and is actually a 13-year-old boy, not a 54-year-old man. Due to being underage himself, Jeffs can now challenge the charges of aggravated sexual assault and sexual assault.
“After extensive mental and physical examination, we have determined that Warren Jeffs is, in fact, 13 years of age,” said James, citing that Jeffs exhibits characteristics found in a young adolescent boy. “This normal adolescent behavior includes a healthy obsession with sex, Transformers, Jesus, and football.”
James’ extensive report detailed Jeffs’ response to several questions and stimuli, including a query about Jeffs’ polygamist lifestyle.
“When questioned about his numerous wives, Jeffs shrugged, pulled out a Nintendo DS and replied, ‘yeah, they’re cool. I mean, whatever.’” James’ report read. It went on to say that Jeffs gave the exact same response when asked about African geography, Christopher Columbus, and AIDS.
Jeffs’ sister, Elaine Jeffs, is not surprised to learn of her brother’s condition. “When he was a little baby boy, all he ever talked about was World War II and asking for new hand-kerchiefs,” Jeffs recalls. “And his favorite restaurant was Luby’s. He used to flirt with the tea cart ladies, complimenting them on how nice their hairnets looked.”
Willie Jessop, a former Latter Day Saints Church of Fundamentalist Jesus Christ Jesus spokesman, is also a sufferer from the Benjamin Button disease, as is every male in the Jesus Christ’s Church of Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints. “I thank the lord that he sent Byron James to save Warren Jeffs from that devil jury,” Jessop said. “If it were not for James’ research, done in the name of our lord, the world would keep on thinking that men like Warren Jeffs are sick, molesting bastards. That’s not what Jesus wants.”
The Fundamentalist Jesus Christ Latter Saints Church congregation is not only relieved that their leader will not be going to prison, but also to know that Jeffs has the Benjamin Button Disease and is not, in fact, mentally challenged, as they had all suspected.
“His sermons were always so…off-topic,” said one parishioner, who wished to remain anonymous. “One week he preached about how his brother had let him try marijuana when they were down by the quarry. Another day he was bragging that he had seen Nancy Bellevue’s boobies after gym class.”
Jeffs, Jessop, and the rest of the Jesus Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints Church are ready to leave this judicial battle behind. “We’re all really excited Warren will be coming home soon,” Jessop said. “Hopefully he’ll be back in time for our first day of high school. I hear they give the freshmen free lunch on the first day. Wouldn’t that be cool?”