This week severe storms forced Governor Rick Perry’s plane to be rerouted and make a rare stop in the state of Texas. During the layover, the Governor refused to speak to the press about any issues other than a possible presidential run, which he then refused to speak about.
A custodian at the airport’s Big Tex Skybar anonymously told TCR staff that advisors were prepping Perry about details of the other GOP Primary candidates. The custodian found a confidential pre-campaign draft document misplaced under the Governor’s table. The document suggests possible conspiracy theories that could be developed into viral e-mails about candidate Jon Huntsman. The notes have been transcribed below:
CANDIDATE PROFILE: JON HUNTSMAN
FACT: His grandfather was a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
CONSPIRACY THEORY / STRATEGY NOTES: Sounds a lot like something from the Illuminati or Masons. Hmmm, Mormon Temple kind of sounds like Masonic Temple…could be a connection.
FACT: Huntsman speaks fluent Mandarin Chinese
CONSPIRACY THEORY / STRATEGY NOTES: Secret agent of Chinese government who plans to hand over US to China. Obama was just a decoy.... We thought Obama was going to surrender the US to his Muslim brethren.
FACT: Huntsman was Ambassador to China
CONSPIRACY THEORY / STRATEGY NOTES: The Chinese switched out the real Jon Huntsman with an android robot and sent him back to run for President.
FACT: Huntsman has seven children including one daughter he adopted from India and another from China.
CONSPIRACY THEORY / STRATEGY NOTES: Everyone knows China and India are planning to take over the world. These kids are obviously future successors to the throne. Note: challenge the kids’ birth certificates… They could be robots, too.
FACT: Huntsman is moderate on some issues like same sex marriage and Cap and Trade.
CONSPIRACY THEORY / STRATEGY NOTES: Try not to discuss actual issues… just call him a liberal. Note: find out what Cap and Trade means before debate.
FACT: Jon Huntsman dropped out of high school his senior year to play keyboard in a band.
CONSPIRACY THEORY / STRATEGY NOTES: More proof he’s a liberal loser… Could be a contender if he captures the high school dropout vote... Note: Don’t discuss high dropout rates in Texas.
FACT: Huntsman’s and Romney are both strong Primary contenders and Mormons.
CONSPIRACY THEORY / STRATEGY NOTES: Mormon’s have infiltrated GOP Primary…. Everyone knows only Evangelicals are qualified to be God’s chosen candidate.
FACT: Huntsman worked for Obama.
CONSPIRACY THEORY / STRATEGY NOTES: Huntsman worked for Obama.
FACT: Huntsman is basically okay with RomneyCare and ObamaCare.
CONSPIRACY THEORY / STRATEGY NOTES: Don't get into particulars. If pressed, just use the words "socialism" and "medicine" in a coherent sentence.
FACT: Glenn Beck idolizes Jon Huntsman’s father and has repeatedly publically praised him.
CONSPIRACY THEORY / STRATEGY NOTES: Hmmm…Something’s up here…Glen Beck hates everyone. He could never gloss over this many potential conspiracy theories…OMG! Glen Beck’s been replaced with a Chinese/Indian robot, too! That’s why he was fired. It all makes perfect sense, now.
NOTE: If Huntsman becomes a real contender, make up a story around any of these themes and e-mail it to my Uncle Ed and Great Aunt Lucille. They will forward it to everyone in their address book and within an estimated 72 hours, it should be the lead story on most cable news outlets. Don’t worry about the facts. No one every checks these e-mails out before forwarding.