In a surprise move, House Republicans accused Rep. Anthony Weiner of lying about manufacturing his entire sexting scandal. “We believe he’s a liar – he’s lying about the size of his package in that widely publicized photo,” said Speaker of the House, Boehner. “At first, he was telling the truth by repeatedly denying sending lewd photos via text message, but he refused to categorically deny ownership of that photo of his enormous pork barrel underwear snapshot. Later, at the ‘confession’ press conference I could see it in his eyes; he was lying through his teeth by admitting to the scandal. Like most politicians, he couldn’t pass up taking credit for being the wanna be Calvin Klein underwear model in that shot – regardless of the political fallout. Few politicians I know on either side of the aisle could rise above the temptation to lie and take credit for a shot like that. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity.”
The House Speaker explained, “With a name like Weiner, you know the scrawny guy had been teased in the locker room his entire life. Now was his chance to be one of the big dogs,” accused Boehner. “I can relate. With a name like Boehner, I heard my fair share of ‘boner’ jokes growing up. Size was never an issue for me, though” he chuckled. “Have you seen my gigantic hands and feet?”
Boehner also suggested Weiner had nothing to lose by taking responsibility for the scandal. “You know his wife laughed when she saw that underwear photo. She knew it wasn’t him. Besides, look at his district. Constituents from Queens love this kind of crap. They can all relate. I’m sure his approval ratings will double by the end of the month.”
The Speaker went on to say this story was getting stranger by the minute. “I accidentally turned on CNN, and there was that high-dollar prostitute loving, former NY Governor, Elliot Spitzer, doing his ‘In the Arena’ program. Get this. He’s spending most of the hour talking about the Weiner scandal and John Edwards’s love child indictment. Can you imagine those three at a Democratic Convention? Hide your women!”
The Texas Cockroach did reach the Daily Show’s John Stewart about a bit he performed prior to Weiner’s confession. Stewart reaffirmed his statement that Weiner was a personal friend and that there was no way the wiener in the photo belonged to Rep. Weiner based on observations while swimming in the ocean together. When asked why he was looking at Weiner’s wiener while swimming, Stewart abruptly changed the subject to praise the Texas Cockroach’s outstanding journalism.