Reacting swiftly to Tennessee’s recent passage of a bill that bans discussion of any sexual orientation other than heterosexuality in elementary schools across the state, the Texas senate passed a law actually requiring elementary schools in Texas to teach a “totally gay” unit once per semester.
The measure was brought to the fore by Sen. Troy Fraser, who explained his reasoning at a press conference held yesterday in Austin. “Listen,” said Fraser, “I see where Tennessee is coming from on this, but I think they have it all wrong. You can’t just wish gayness away – they’re here, queer, and trying to make us used to it. Texans aren’t stupid like that Ahmadinejad moron in Iran, who claims that no homos live in his country. We know there are plenty of freaks in Texas – even outside of Austin – and our children should be aware they are out there, right out in the open.”
According to Fraser, pretending homosexuality doesn’t exist is tantamount to giving youths access to school sponsored glory holes to find out on their own. Said Fraser, “Look, they’re going to do it anyway, so why not have our children taught to identify, and then persecute, gays by professional educators. We don’t want them getting their information from uneducated peers or in some back alley where they could be grossly misinformed.”
When asked to elaborate, Fraser related a story from his own youth. “When I was a boy, I was befriended by a young man who had the rare ability, for a ten year old, to accessorize. He also complimented my mother on her ‘blouse’. Had I been properly educated, I would have known these were tell-tale signs of his gayness.”
Fraser was then queried as to what happened to his friendship with the boy in question. “Oh, nothing,” replied Fraser, “we were friends all through school. He’s an interior decorator now. That’s not the point. The point is that he was gay, and I didn’t know it!”
Fraser then unveiled a preliminary outline of the curriculum being proposed. Highlights included an illustrative guide to helping spot gays based on fashion sense, an ability to differentiate between flats, pumps and heels, speaking with a lisp, knowledge of show tunes and knowing what colors work on a house.
The program will also institute a “Scared Straight-Straight” set of field trips to Austin, the Montrose area of Houston and the Deep Ellum segment of Dallas designed to not only scare children away from a life of crime, but also from a life of gayness, body piercings and tattoos that, with age and weight gain, will eventually look like a wet newspaper.
In addition, elective classes in the arts, such as drama and jazz ensemble, will now be required, respectively, to stage productions of The Rocky Horror Picture Show or perform the 1980 classic punk album, Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables, by The Dead Kennedeys, in its entirety. These events will ensure that all of the “freaks” out there will be brought out into the open.
Fraser concluded his statement by taking one more jab at Tennessee: “In Texas, we’re up front with our bigotry and ignorance. You always know where you stand with someone. No passive-aggressive behavior here. Seriously, is Tennessee going to block Glee from their satellite TV signals? Did I miss something? Did the Chinese government take over Tennessee? All I’ve got to say is God bless America, our troops who protect our freedoms and the 1st Amendment that gives us the right to speak our mind whether we’re talking about steers or queers.”