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Home Texas State News Federal Bailout of Hair Products Ruins Gov. Perry’s Hair

Federal Bailout of Hair Products Ruins Gov. Perry’s Hair

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Rick PerryWhile it didn’t get the publicity and coverage that the Wall Street and auto industry bailouts garnered, the recent assistance the hair product industry received from the federal government has had some unintended consequences here in Texas.

Last month, corporate CEOs from companies in the hair care industry convened in Washington to make an appeal to Congress for federal assistance. Vidal Sassoon, Paul Mitchell and Fred Aqua (the 106-year old founder of Aqua Net), among others, made the case that in these difficult economic times, hair care – especially in the styling area – is taking a tremendous financial hit. They also presented evidence that showed closure of styling and sculpting gel, mousse, spritz, pomade and holding spray plants would devastate the national economy. "We," said Mitchell, "haven’t taken a hit like this since hair metal went out of fashion in the early nineties. Thankfully, New Jersey alone kept us afloat then."

Congress approved the bailout but surely didn’t see how this would affect Governor Rick Perry. In sticking to his campaign promises, Perry has steadfastly refused any and all federal monies for the state of Texas. And the hair product bailout is no exception. Because the products Perry uses to keep up his immaculately coiffed hair are now funded by the federal government, Perry has stopped using them. Anyone who saw his most recent public appearance knows that this had dire consequences for his hair.

In a brief Q&A following the event, Perry remained resolute. "I will not accept any federal funds. We don’t need more government. We need less. Texas is thriving this way and will continue to do so. My hair can take it and so can yours."

Perry was then assisted into his horse drawn buggy (which replaced the fleet of federally assisted Lincoln limousines) to make his next appearance.

Editor’s note: The TCR has also learned that in the wake of these latest developments, Fox News babes, Megyn Kelly and Gretchen Carlson, will both be forgoing the use of hair holding products while Rachel Maddow, of MSNBC, will be showing her support of the bailout by sporting a do sure to make mobster wives across the east coast proud.

Thanks to Chan Geltemeyer for inspiration on this story

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