The next generation of Facebook has been developed by none other than LaCucarcha native, Cash Carson. The only mention we could find of Carson in our archives was a quote by head football coach Bryant referring to him as a “total disgrace to the community.” Carson had the ideal hands, speed and agility of a wide receiver, but chose to spend his time playing video games, refusing to try out for the football team. His humiliated family moved to Texarkana two years ago when his younger brother also announced he had no plans to play sports.
The stain on the family’s reputation may now be lifted as Carson is poised to become the rising star who invented a way to monetize social media into an income generating business. By incorporating an enhanced version of the X-Box 360 Kinect video camera, which records full motion movement of a gamer into the Facebook application, users will now be able to enter the virtual hallowed halls of high school and hang out with old classmates. Facebook has already hired an army of retired teachers and principals to staff the site.
The popular social networking site will not charge users to attend their old school, but a number of value added services have been successfully test marketed to generate significant income streams. “One of our most popular paid services is the ‘Nip and Tuck Nurse’s Office.’ For a fee, users can request a variety of virtual cosmetic surgery options to look as good as, or better than they did in high school. For instance, paid enhancements in height, strength and speed make it possible for that clumsy awkward kid from PE to not only make the basketball team, but score the winning goal,” said Carson.
The psychiatric community is praising the innovation as a major step forward in therapy. Dr. Jerome Martin of the Psychological Institute for High School Scars believes this new application may be an ideal way his patients can deal with unresolved childhood conflict, while interacting with the very people who inflicted the pain in the first place. Critics are concerned high school memories could become blurred with virtual ones, further distorting “remember when” stories at neighborhood bars and class reunions.
Carson explained several new paid features are currently in Beta testing including Spring Break in South Padre, which is forecasted to generate $3.2 billion in the first quarter of next year. In addition to partying with your old classmates, cast members of Girls Gone Wild and Jersey Shore will join you and your friends for a week of guilt-free debauchery on the virtual beach.