When Gov. Perry learned Roger Clemens had been charged with six felony counts of lying to Congress, he was outraged. “I’d like to know six times any of those inside the Beltway blowhards have ever told the truth?!”
Gov. Perry said he plans to issue a full Presidential Pardon to the Texas legend. “I understand he has made some mistakes. First, choosing to play baseball for the University of Texas instead of Texas A&M, and then later deciding to play for that New York team called the Yankees. Didn’t he remember those Pace Picante Sauce commercials about ‘New York City?’
But, I have a big heart, and can forgive those transgressions. He did bring national championships to the great state of Texas playing for the T-Sips, and came home to take the Houston Astros to a World Series. In my eyes, he has redeemed himself.”
When asked about the superstar’s tarnished image over alleged steroid use, Perry dismissed the charges. “So he took some potent ‘performance enhancing’ vitamins; big deal. He had to keep up with the competition – just like I have to keep up with the Blagojevich's of the world. God gave me this great head of hair, but modern pharmacology helps me keep it. The way the press is carrying on, you would think they busted him praying in a mosque or something.”
Reporters questioned Perry’s authority to issue a Presidential Pardon. “I’m the Governor of Texas, and I can secede any time I see fit, which would make me President. Even if we don’t secede, I’ll still be Governor of Texas when your great grandchildren are in college, so I’m not too concerned about what those boys in Washington think. As long as Roger Clemens is within the state of Texas, he’s a free man. Hell, he’s a national hero!”
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