Whataburger, a popular Texas fast food chain, celebrated its 60th birthday this week by giving free burgers to customers who dressed in orange. Bright orange is the signature color of the Corpus Christi based chain. Arguably the best fast food burger in the state, the company wanted to say thank you to its loyal customers.
Organizers of the promotion failed to take into consideration the cardinal rule of Texas business: “Everything relates to football.” Aggies statewide were offended by the promotion, since orange symbolizes Texas Longhorn football.
TCR was on the scene of the birthday festivities, where we found Howard Pierce, a diehard Aggie outside grumbling with his family in the 100 degree heat. “We teach our children from an early age that orange is never a wardrobe option. It just gives people the wrong idea. Then Waterburger (sic) offers everyone wearing orange free food. Unbelievable! Would you look in there? Nothing but T-Sips. It looks like game day in Austin.”
Howard’s wife Judy, who is known to correct him frequently, pointed out that he did buy her an orange and white cheerleader themed negligee once. Howard blushed, and begged us not to print this part of the interview, but we couldn’t resist. “I can explain that. If I had bought her a set of those white Yell Leader coveralls, it would have been a real turnoff, since they’re all dudes. Besides, it’s not like anyone else is going to see it.” About that time, Johnny Maxwell, was opening the restaurant door wearing full Longhorn regalia. He winked at Judy, “Should’ve worn your uniform.” At this point, Howard declared the interview over.
Aggie groups around the state pointed out that the idea of a “free lunch” played much better with freeloading liberal Longhorns who were already mooching off the 2nd largest endowment in the US. “I’d rather eat BBQ, anyway,” said A&M alumni Scott Williams. “I heard they were charging extra for cheese, drinks and fries, so they way I see it, those T-Sips got scammed.”
A large group of Dutch backpacking insurance executives approached Whataburger, clearly distressed, shouting, “Is this some kind of sick joke?” The group explained after their month long holiday during the World Cup, they had decided to take another month off to clear their minds of their defeat to Spain in the final. “We asked where could we go to escape any reminders of what you call soccer? Our unanimous answer was backpacking around Texas. Now, we hear about free fried beef sandwiches at this Whataburger, and it looks a victory party for Netherlands. How can they mock us like this? They won’t even give us free food, since we burned all of our orange clothing.” The group agreed it would take another month long holiday of drinking to recover from this traumatic event.