Sparks flew and debate raged at last Tuesday’s City Council meeting. Saying he drew inspiration from Arizona’s recent enactment of stringent immigration laws, Councilman Brad Wilson proposed similar statutes for the city of LaCucaracha. Meeting attendee, Chris Shanahan, pointed out that immigration laws don’t apply to cities, counties or even states, but this did not stop Wilson, who simply told Mr. Shanahan, “Shut up, Chris.”
Mr. Wilson then laid out the tenants of his plan. Much like the Arizona law, citizens of LaCucaracha would be required to carry immigration documents at all times and failure to do so would be considered criminal activity. Wilson’s proposed law also gave local police broad and vague power to hold anyone even suspected of being in LaCucaracha illegally. It should be noted that the insertion of the word “vague” in Wilson’s proposal was at the behest of Sheriff Welch.
Confusion reigned for the next few minutes as council members and citizens alike, tried to figure out if Wilson was wanting to curb illegal immigration into the United States or only into LaCucaracha proper. Sensing the near loss of decorum, Wilson clarified, “No, no, no. The law is for LaCucaracha only. I don’t care if illegal aliens are in the U.S. Heck, Sintown can take all of them for all I care. I just don’t want any outsiders coming into LaCucaracha. Especially from Mexico.”
Deputy Rodriguez pointed out Wilson’s wife, Maria, was in fact an immigrant from Mexico and that 39% of the town’s inhabitants are Hispanic. Wilson responded, “I mean the illegal ones.” Rodriguez then pointed out that at least 12% of the town was illegal. “Well,” said Wilson, “we need to get rid of them then.”
“Now hold on a minute!” shouted Tom Roundtree, “if you do that who will care for our lawns? Clean our pools? Who will take care of our children and keep them out of the family room during Cowboys games? Who will do intensely laborious and highly skilled work for low pay and no benefits? Good God, man, who will cook the food at Gomez Mexican Food?”
Councilman Brad Simmons then queried, “And doesn’t this sort of curb progress? What if, for instance, a family wants to move here. And let’s say they have a kid. And this kid is a super stud spread option QB. Are we going to turn them away?”
Mayor “Buddy” Meyer then spoke for the first time. “Brad,” said Meyer, “that’s a great point on the quarterback, but you mentioned progress, and I have it on good authority that “progress” is bad. Glenn Beck said so. I’m inclined to go with Glenn on this one and therefore, I’m on board with keeping all people not from LaCucaracha out.”
Parker Landsdale, owner of the LaCucaracha nursing home, objected to the proposal unless a clause was added excluding all German and Czech immigrants. Otherwise, he explained, well over half of his residents could be detained and then possibly deported.
Wendy Marr then stood up and asked, “What if Jesus came to town? What if He wanted to make LaCucaracha the site of the Second Coming? Will Deputy Rodriguez or Deputy Pine detain Him because He doesn’t have His immigration papers? And would the fact that He’s technically Jewish give Sheriff Welch probable cause to pull him over? I mean, I don’t know if He’ll be driving, but you get my point.”
While the council was pondering this scenario, local divorce attorney, Bridget Morris, arrived late to the meeting. Morris approached the dais as a visibly shaken Wilson tried to stop her from speaking. Morris apologized for being late and then dropped a bombshell. She explained that Wilson had just been served divorce papers from Maria and this immigration proposal was just an elaborate ruse to get Maria detained or deported so she couldn’t take him for everything he was worth. Wilson sheepishly acknowledged Morris spoke the truth and withdrew his request with a curt, “oh, never mind.”
Mayor Meyer then pointed out that the annual girl’s Powder Puff football game commemorating the end of the school year was about to start so the meeting was adjourned.