Standing outside an Earth Day gathering in Austin, Danny Grimes, a conservative Republican, readied his small caliber rifle and took aim at a “liberal Democrat.” Grimes explained that he didn’t want to do too much harm to his target, but he did want to do enough to send him to the hospital. “Our goal,” explained Grimes, “is to flood the healthcare industry with patients to prove once and for all that this new healthcare legislation won’t work.”
Shooting people is only part of the strategy. “We’re also,” continued Grimes, “infiltrating leftist organizations and gatherings with sick people. You know, contagious stuff. We sneeze on folks, shake their hands and the like. We need the media to see long lines outside of general practitioners offices just as well as the emergency rooms.”
Not to be outdone, liberal Democrat, Stan Dunbar, took time while painting a target on his wife’s back to explain that they’re totally fine with the Republican’s shooting and disease spreading strategies. In fact, they’re even encouraging these tactics to prove that new healthcare policies do work. Hence, the hand-painted targets on approximately 90% of the Earth Day patrons. “Go ahead,” said Rick Bangs, “shoot me or give me strep throat. I don’t care. This new legislation has made staying in a hospital akin to a night at the Four Seasons.”
At a Tea Party gathering in Dallas, Democrats were seen seeking out people with coughs and any other symptoms of the common cold or flu. Said a disease seeking Democrat, “the new healthcare legislation has made healthcare so awesome I want to spend as much time in it as I possibly can.”
This sudden cooperation between Republicans and Democrats did not go unnoticed by pundits on the right and left alike. Karl Rove and Keith Olbermann both applauded the bipartisan effort. However, once participating Republicans and Democrats found out the general public perceived cooperation, they both immediately halted their plans of action.