LaCucaracha residents were baffled by the news that General Motors was discontinuing the Hummer brand. The initial news release was dismissed by local media and townspeople as another liberal hoax to scare little old ladies. “Every few years, a rumor circulates claiming the liberals are going to take our guns away, and everyone gets worked up, only later to realize it was just liberal propaganda,” said Mayor Meyer. “One minute it’s gun seizures, the next it’s death panels. I just wish those liberals would leave our old folks alone. We just never believed they would stoop so low as to take our Hummers away.”
When FOX News reported the discontinuation of the Hummer line, widespread shock spread throughout the community. Harvey Jones summed it up when he said, “That’s just plain stupid. Everyone I know wants a Hummer or drives a Hummer – in addition to their pickup, of course. It just doesn’t make any sense. Hummers are like the most popular vehicle in the world. I don’t get it.”
The City Council was rightfully upset with the news after it spent $3215 last year repainting the parking places around the square to accommodate Hummers and dually pickup trucks. The Council also passed the “raise the roof” ordinance last month requiring all drive-thru restaurants and banks to accommodate Hummers equipped with roof spotlight kits. Council Member Robert Wilson pointed out that the LaCucaracha Fire Department would still benefit from the higher drive-thru clearance, “You know, if they needed to grab a burger on the way to a grass fire out on CR102.”
Lindsay Thompson was dumbfounded by the news. “I heard GM was trying to sell Hummer to a Chinese company, but the deal fell through. I guess the only thing worse than no Hummer would be a Chinese Hummer. I can’t imagine a commie-Hummer. That’s just un-American.”
We caught up with local rancher Randall Gray having coffee at Granny’s Café, and asked his opinion of GM scrapping the brand. He just shook his head and said, “You know, I just don’t get folks sometime. Everyone I know loves Hummers. I’ve never heard a complaint. It’s the ultimate vehicle. How can they get rid of something everyone loves so much? This is just like the last presidential election when we had that write-in campaign for George W. Bush. He won 99.9% of the vote in LaCucaracha. Yeah, we knew there was that term limit BS, but we hoped they’d bend the rules for the most popular president in history. Boy, I was blindsided by that one, too. It’s like everyone’s gone crazy out there.”
Most locals agreed the only logical explanation for the move is related to the government bailout of GM by the feds. “It must have been a backroom condition of the bailout that GM would cancel the Hummer line. If a conservative was in the White House, GM would have gone belly up, but mark my words, Hummer would have survived,” said Eula Mae Watson.
Spirits were heightened at the announcement that Chevy Thomas of Chevy’s Lone Star Autoworld is attempting to buy up all remaining Hummer inventory nationwide to have on hand for LaCucaracha residents. GM has committed to provide ongoing service for the brand, so Thomas forecasts he should be able to keep enough inventory in stock to meet the needs of local customers for the next 10 years. “Hopefully, by that time California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger will be elected President. I just know a red blooded, Hummer driving American like Arnold will force GM to revive the Hummer brand,” said Thomas.