In a surprise move, Rick Perry attempted an encore performance of his Hurricane Katrina rescue, dispatching 10,000 buses to Haiti to rescue earthquake victims. The plans went awry yesterday when bus drivers started calling the Governor’s Office from South Florida claiming there was no land bridge to Haiti as the Governor had claimed. Gov. Perry’s initial reaction was “Can’t, isn’t a word in my vocabulary. I don’t care what the FEMA bureaucrats are telling you. Drive those buses to Haiti!”
Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson, Perry’s chief challenger in the upcoming gubernatorial primary, accused Perry of political posturing. “Rescuing those people from New Orleans was Perry’s only accomplishment in nine years. This is nothing more than a charade in an attempt to appear compassionate.”
Former Houston Mayor and Democratic Gubernatorial Primary frontrunner Bill White suggested cruise ships out of Galveston may have been a better approach, but disagreed with the Governor’s decision to relocate millions of Haitians to Texas. “We faced significant spikes in crime and overcrowded our school system in Houston with the relatively small number of Katrina evacuees. I’m just not sure the Governor has thought this one through,” said White. “I may disagree with his approach, but, I’m still a Democrat and that makes me much more compassionate than Perry, even though I’m a white male with the last name ‘White.’ “
Perry countered that “This was the kind of big government mindset that leaves people suffering while a bunch of suits debate an issue. I believe immediate, decisive action is always the best strategy. There’s nothing wishy-washy about my administration.”
The Governor refused to acknowledge any correlation between air quality alerts issued throughout the South as the bus convoy followed I-10 to Florida. Several CNN helicopter pilots were hospitalized with asthma related symptoms as the network provided two days of uninterrupted live coverage of the procession.
The entire evacuation plan was abruptly cancelled yesterday when a staffer showed Gov. Perry a map and explained that Haiti was a foreign country where most citizens speak French. Inside sources speaking on condition of anonymity revealed Perry had previously believed Haiti was a Miami suburb. He also privately expressed his disgust for anything remotely related to France.
The Governor’s Office issued a press release today stating the operation had been shut down by a power hungry Federal government circumventing his state’s rights.
The Kay Bailey Hutchinson for Governor Campaign is reportedly already filming a television commercial featuring large flashing road warning signs asking Texans, “If there’s an earthquake in Mexico, do you want Rick Perry driving the bus?”