Local resident and mercenary, Mark Smith, recently returned from a tour of duty in the War on Christmas. Smith was deployed in October because, he explained, “the War on Christmas starts earlier and earlier each year. Normally, in October, I’d be involved in the War on Halloween but I skipped that battle this year to get right into the scrap with Christmas.”
It is unclear what side Smith fought for. In fact, it is unclear if there are even “sides” to begin with. And after talking to Smith, the Texas Cockroach is not sure there’s even an actual War on Christmas at all. “I hear ya,” said Smith, “I mean, I hadn’t heard anything about the War on Christmas since, like, the mid-90’s either. But I was watching Fox and they said it was back on. And then a lot of my Facebook friends kept mentioning it so…I checked into it, and I found some skirmishes I could get my hands dirty in.” It should be noted that 96% of Smith’s Facebook friends are self-proclaimed mercenaries, members of local militias or members of the French Foreign Legion (the other 4% is comprised of family members and people he passed in the hallway between classes during high school).
Even though the outcome of the war is unclear, Smith relished his time in battle. “Look, I’m a professional soldier. It’s what I do. Plus, I’m of British decent. So, if there’s a fight, a battle or a war, I’m in. Doesn’t matter what side I’m on. I just want to fire my weapon and crack some skulls. I mean, in high school one time, I ended up fighting for Sintown in that big pep rally dust up back in ’83. Remember that? I just got so caught up in it I ended up on the wrong side. That’s when I decided there really isn’t a right or wrong side. There’s just people fighting. And if there are people fighting, I want in.”
Smith plans to take a little time to recuperate, but wants to get right back into action soon. “I’ve been hearing rumblings about Valentine’s Day. And if that doesn’t pan out there’s always the healthcare debate.”
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