Local resident, Toby Budreaux, found out the hard way that the sports media’s rampant deifying of Tim Tebow actually turned out to be spot on. While the rest of us learned of Tebow’s lineage at a press conference following Florida’s loss in the SEC championship game, Budreaux actually heard from Tebow the previous evening. Tebow appeared as an angel in Budreaux’s crimson and cream painted room (Budreaux is originally from Alabama) to warn him about his blasphemous and profane ways, because all signs from his uncle (God) pointed to the Second Coming being right around the corner.
Budreaux, still obviously shaken by the incident, was open and honest about his previous disdain for Tebow. “I couldn’t stand him and the constant attention the media paid him. All his charity work, good deeds, spreading the word via his eye black. It just seemed too good to be true. I figured it was all a front. I had a joke with my friends – any time we’d mention him, we’d say, ‘I see Jesus-I mean Tebow-threw two picks today.’ You know, stuff like that. How was I to know he was sent by his Cousin Jesus to check out things down here? I mean, really, who knew?”
During Saturday’s press conference, Tebow called his last four years on the Florida campus a “One and a Quarter Coming.” According to Tebow, his uncle, God, had noticed that the majority of prayers coming into heaven revolved around college football – particularly schools in the south and southeast plus Michigan, Ohio State and USC. It should be noted that Notre Dame has a direct line to God, so those prayers were not part of the final tally. Unfortunately, Charlie Weis didn’t call often enough. Anyway, God sent Jesus’ first cousin on Joseph’s side, Tebow, down to get the pulse of this “gridiron” he’d been hearing so much about.
“I was just going to come down for a year,” continued Tebow, “and be the backup QB. Thus, keeping things humble and workmanlike, like my Cousin. I was to get the lay of the land, spread the Good Word around a bit, and then get back up with the results of my observations down here. But this college football thing is much bigger than we anticipated. I mean, we could do so much good here with this platform. So, we decided I’d go ahead and use up my eligibility. Plus, college is really fun! Oh, and have you seen my girlfriend? Smoking hot, right? So, yeah, I wasn’t exactly eager to leave my earthly vessel any time before I had to.”
Through rubber bracelets and eye black, Tebow was able to spread his message of love, good will, sacrifice and other tenants of Christianity to the world. Other college players, most notably Oklahoma’s Sam Bradford and Texas’ Colt McCoy and Jordan Shipley, began to pick up on the good vibes and spread the good word themselves. Clearly, the message is working. How else to explain the final second being put back on the clock at the end of the Texas vs. Nebraska game?
Tebow was queried as to why he lost the SEC championship game when, after all, he and his connections could clearly affect the outcome. “Just like my Cousin sacrificed his life for you, I had to make a sacrifice. Now, losing a football game isn’t quite crucifixion, but if you talk to a Gator fan they might actually argue that it is.”
As for Budreaux, he’s seen the light and has promised to fly straight from here on out. “I’ll do my best to treat all opponents of Alabama with respect and dignity. No longer will I make fun of their mothers, their eating habits or their wives and/or daughters sexual promiscuity. I will no longer consider the stadium my church and Bear Bryant as my savior. And, I say to the players of the University of Texas, our upcoming opponent in the BCS Championship Game, ‘Peace be with you.’”
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