There’s not a lot of activity around LaCucaracha between 2:00 pm and 4:00 pm daily, since most citizens are tuned into conservative talk radio host, Duke Nukem’s, Duke Nukem’ Show. Duke Nukem’s answer to most of the world’s problems is “just nuke em’,” hence the nickname. Duke uses a lot of lively prerecorded sound effects of explosions, frugal horns, and cry babies to spice up the entertainment, but most content consists of Duke raving and ranting about Washington’s incompetence.
Most of Duke’s caller’s comments consist of statements like, “you tell em’ Duke,” or “first time caller, long time listener. I’m a big fan, so I’ll hang up and listen.” Last week, this all changed when Harold Scott III, Fellow of Foreign Relations at the Rice University James A. Baker III Institute for Public Policy, mistakenly dialed the wrong area code, and reached Duke’s listener line. Duke was experiencing a lull in calls, so he answered the call directly shouting, “So, what do you think we should about Afghanistan?” Scott, who has devoted much of his life to studying the intricacies of the region’s culture and interaction with neighboring nations, began articulately answering the question.
Duke was stunned, and regretted that he had broken his own rule of having every call screened for signs of intelligence. After a couple of minutes of expert analysis by Scott, Duke rudely interrupted the think tank expert, and began calling him a bleeding heart liberal and playing sound effects of babies crying. When Scott replied that he was a lifetime conservative and close friend of the Baker, Bush and Cheney families, Duke tried to change the subject, asking what he thought about death panels and Obama’s missing birth certificate. Scott ignored Duke, and resumed his dissertation on Afghanistan. Duke once again cut him off claiming “We’re out of time,” as he started reading the Agriculture Report.
Duke devoted the next three programs exclusively to a tirade of personal attacks questioning the credentials of Harold Scott III, insinuating he was secretly hiding Osama Bin Laden in the pool house of his River Oaks estate.
The Texas Cockroach verified with Arbitron Radio Ratings and Media Research that this was a historic moment, since it was the first instance where an intelligent caller was broadcast on talk radio.