There have been rumors flying around town about what happened at our church Sunday, so I thought I would set the record straight about poor Opal Heinze. I was sitting in my regular pew at the 8th Community Church and saw exactly what happened, so don’t start judging Opal until you hear my story. However, if you want to pass judgment on Haley Jones, well, that’s between you and The Almighty.
Some people in our church like to raise their hands when the worship band plays. I have never understood this practice, and frankly, it sometimes makes it difficult for me to see the band. It’s been explained to me this is a form of worship, but I just don’t get it. Are they expecting the good Lord to call out their names or wave back? Anyway, I just keep my mouth shut, and try to sit behind people who keep their hands in their laps, which brings me to the Haley Jones incident.
I have sat behind Haley and her mother for years, confident, they aren’t going to be waving their hands around blocking my view. Most of you know Haley and her high school sweetheart announced their engagement at the Dallas Cowboys game on opening day. Her fiancé bought Haley a 7-carat diamond engagement ring with some of that signing bonus money he received from the Cowboys.
Well, ever since Haley got that ring, she’s been raising her left hand as high as she can so everyone can see it – never her right hand, mind you. Now those of you who have never attended our church probably don’t realize that during the music, the lights are dimmed except on the stage. Billy Johnson, who runs the sound board, installed a couple of spotlights to highlight the musicians. Well, when that new spotlight hit Haley’s ring, we might as well have had a disco ball hanging from the rafters. Rays of light and colors shot out in every direction.
Opal Heinze, bless her heart, is deafer than a doornail and her cataracts give her fits these days. It’s a wonder she can still drive to church. All poor Opal could see was this rainbow of heavenly rays dancing around the room. She’s so deaf, she must have thought she missed the trumpets of the Lord sounding, but was convinced Jesus was returning. Opal dropped to her knees and started shouting “Hosanna! Hosanna!” at the top of her lungs. It took 15 minutes for Billy Meier to calm her down and explain what was really happening.
Anyway, it’s been going around town that Opal finally lost it. I wanted to let everyone know there’s not an ounce of truth to it. Everyone knows Opal’s good-for-nothing son is always looking for an excuse to put her in a home, so please stop spreading these rumors. Opal’s just fine, thank you.