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Home Local LaCucaracha News Local Defense Contractor in Danger of Losing Lucrative Catapult Contract

Local Defense Contractor in Danger of Losing Lucrative Catapult Contract

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The Dragonslayer Sword and Armament Works Catapult Model 190AThe Dragonslayer Sword and Armament Works, originally founded in LaCucaracha by lost members of the Coronado Expedition in 1541, is in grave danger of losing its defense contract to produce catapults for the U.S. military. The Obama administration issued a statement today announcing plans to mothball the project.

Texas senators John Cornyn and Kay Bailey Hutchison vowed to fight for the survival of the local employer. “I’m stunned this administration with all its talk about creating and saving jobs, would essentially shutter our nation’s oldest defense contractor,” said Sen. Cornyn.

Sen. Hutchison said, “This is par for the course. President Obama talked a lot about green jobs and promoting environmentally friendly industry, but now he’s doing the classic Democrat flip flop. These catapults produce zero emissions and are built from sustainable materials like East Texas pine. I can only imagine the ripple effect this move is going to have on the Texas timber industry.”

Dragonslayer CEO, Lance A. Lott, accepted partial responsibility. “Our lobbyists urged us to change the name of our catapults to “mobile projectile launchers,” in order to avoid attracting attention in budget meetings, but I resisted. When you have a brand that is nearly 500 years old, it doesn’t seem logical to change it. The lobbyists warned me this Obama team might actually read the appropriations bill, but I wouldn’t listen.”

Lott said that the golden years at Dragonslayer were during the Cold War, when no one knew how to deal with electronic equipment and batteries being rendered inoperable by a potential thermonuclear attack. “The Defense Department purchased thousands of our catapults, and positioned them along the borders, ready to launch barrels of toxic waste at a moment’s notice. Governor Perry tried to convince the feds to revive that program to curb illegal immigration, but some tree huggers made a big stink about it.”

Local families employed by Dragonslayer were stunned by the news. Lott said he is hoping to finalize a deal with the Texas Renaissance Festival later this week, which would jumpstart the sword and lance division and prevent layoffs.

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