Head Football Coach Bryant announced today that he had met with his 25 coaches and LISD administrators to offer free season tickets next year to 250 lucky individuals in exchange for community service work. “I realize tough times have hit many of our fans, so this is just a small way we can express our gratification for your years of loyal dedication to our team,” said Coach Bryant. “We don’t want anyone’s cheers to be silenced because of the economy.”
The coaching staff released a list of community service positions available below. Demand is expected to exceed supply, so complete your application as soon as possible. Forms are available at the Armadillos Box Office.
1. Safe Drive Home Team – You and your spouse will be on call 24/7 to discretely drive any player home who has had too much to drink. You will drive the player’s truck home, while your wife will follow in her vehicle. If after curfew, you will be responsible for helping the player sneak back in his residence undetected, or assume full responsibility for his drunken state with his parents.
2. Coaches’ Concierge Team – A wide variety of positions are available at the residences of 25 member football coaching staff including: lawn care, landscaping, pool cleaning, truck washing, housekeeping, and personal chef services.
3. Pitchfork and Torch Squad – You will be working in a team environment to terrorize any teacher who gives a player a failing grade. Duties may include late night death threats, mailbox annihilation, vandalism to personal property, and running the offending teacher off the road with your truck.
4. Responsibility Crew – General admission seats will be available for anyone taking responsibility for a misdemeanor crime committed by a player. Luxury box seats will be offered to persons taking responsibility for felony crimes.
5. “Who’s Your Daddy?” – Restricted to male applicants. You will need to publicly proclaim paternity rights regarding any girl a football player gets in trouble.
6. Welcome Wagon – Greet the busses of visiting football teams as they arrive into town with rocks, eggs, beer bottles, and loud insults. Ability to rock a bus back and forth at a stop sign is a plus.
7. Minute Men – Be available 24/7 to deliver a condom to any player who calls you within 10 minutes or less.
8. A-Team – Tutor football players, whether or not they are available in person. Must be able to write quality term papers, proficient in math and science. The ideal candidate will be able to communicate to the player the work you complete in their name well enough, so they can present it to the class.
9. Squire – Get close to the action personally carrying any weapons or drugs for a player, while accepting full responsibility if stopped by law enforcement.
10. TAKS Team – Luxury box season passes for two are available to anyone providing a complete TAKS Test answer key.