Inspired by a new Texas state law (Senate Bill 328) that allows police officers to draw blood immediately from those suspected of driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol, the LaCucaracha city council and Sheriff Welch have enacted a similar law, effective immediately.
Previously, officers had to get a search warrant to draw blood, which could take hours to acquire. Now, according to the new state law, a search warrant is no longer necessary. Sheriff Welch simply sped the process up even more. “The new local law states that we can draw blood by punching the suspected drunk driver in the nose. Maximum of three punches to get the needed sample. If you’re not bleeding after three shots to the nose, you walk.”
Some have called the law too tough, even barbaric. Sheriff Welch disagrees, “This is LaCucaracha, Texas. It’s a tough town and a tough state. We can take it. Even the women. If you can’t take a shot to the nose then we don’t want you here anyway. Go live in some pansy town or state like Dallas or New Hampshire.”
And what about those that aren’t actually drunk? “Look,” continued Welch, “ninety-nine out of a hundred that are suspected, are actually DWI’s. So, we need the blood sample to confirm our suspicions, and if they’re driving drunk they deserve a punch to the face anyway, right? For the small percentage that we punch and subsequently find to be innocent, well, we’re going to have a fundraiser at the county fair where those that were punched mistakenly can take a shot at the offending officer for a dollar a shot.”
Other positives to the new law were also enumerated by Sheriff Welch. “We have some anger management issues in town. This will greatly help with that. Hear me out. If Deputy Pine or Rodriguez, or even myself, gives you a good shot to the schnoz, you’re going to want to strike back. But listen, assaulting an officer is an automatic trip to the hoosegow, so you’ll think twice about striking back. This will make folks around here control their anger and their emotions. Plus, there was concern locally that having suspected drunk drivers blowing into the breathalyzer encouraged homosexual tendencies in males and promiscuity in females. With this method there’s no need for the breathalyzer.”