Editor’s Note: At the Texas Cockroach, we normally tell our readers exactly what they want to hear, but our staff and editorial board have grave concerns about the recent actions of our local law enforcement and judicial system.
Last month, former NFL Pro Bowler and Christian role model, Shaun Alexander was driving a large truck through LaCucaracha en route to deliver a shipment of free bibles to a San Antonio orphanage. He was stopped at 9:00 am on CR 102 by LPD.
Officers recognized Alexander, complimenting him on his numerous scoring and rushing records. The football star was asked to follow the patrol car to the nearest weigh station, where the scales registered a weight 35 pounds in excess of the legal limit. The Seahawks star explained the situation, but offered to unload a couple of boxes if it was a problem. He said he didn’t want any trouble, since his flight home was leaving out of San Antonio that evening. The officer promptly arrested Alexander, and a driver was called in to complete the delivery.
A hearing was scheduled immediately, forcing Alexander to hire local attorney Mike Startom. Judge Perry set the trial to begin at 2:00 pm. A jury was assembled from a group of bystanders who had been camping out on the square in order to be first in line to purchase 2012 Armadillo season football tickets.
After days of testimony from countless character witnesses and heartfelt stories about Alexander’s model Christian lifestyle and community work, the jury was reduced to tears of admiration for this fine family man. The judge ordered the jury to deliberate, along with details about the sentencing guidelines. “I want to be very clear. If you convict Alexander, he will not be sent to prison, but will be ordered to serve three years of probation and community service as the Armadillos Offensive Coordinator.” After hearing these instructions, the foreman looked at the other jurors, stood up and announced, “Guilty.”
Note: The Texas Cockroach plans to file a motion for state and federal judicial review of this injustice immediately following the conclusion of Alexander’s community service term.