Obese protesters stormed the LaCucaracha Dairy Queen demanding the brightly colored Formica booths be replaced by sturdy tables and chairs. “These booths have been bolted to the floor of this DQ since 1967, and people were a lot smaller back then,” exclaimed a protester who asked to be identified only as “Dude.” “Sure, they’re quick to ask us, ‘would you like to Texas-Size your drink and fries?’ but they won’t consider Texas-sizing their seating options. None of the regulars can fit in one of these booths!”
Protester Julie Adkins made the point that the drive-thru always has a long line, but the dining room is typically empty. “Even if you can squeeze into one of these old booths, there’s no guarantee you’ll be able to get out after finishing a double-meat Beltbuster and a Peanut Buster Parfait. If you’re going to sell something called a ‘Beltbuster,’ you have an obligation to give your customers room to breathe and eat at the same time.”
Manager Julian Garcia admitted there were virtually no regular customers left, except for that table of old men that drink coffee and sit around all morning telling stories. “I could do without those freeloaders. They never buy any food.” Garcia was able to name a handful of really skinny people with high metabolisms that eat lunch at the DQ on a regular basis, but commented, “I can only imagine what their cholesterol counts must be like. They can’t keep coming back for long.”
All the protesters agreed that the DQ was the primary reason for their obesity, but none had plans of actually boycotting the restaurant. “We’re protesters, not boycotters,” Dude said. “We just want the DQ to realize they would make a lot more money selling us frozen dairy milk deserts after our meals, if we were able to eat inside again.”
Manager Garcia said the LaCucaracha DQ is scheduled for a remodel in 2018, but he would file a request to be moved up on the list. “Honestly, it’s fine with me if they stay in the drive-thru. That way, we don’t have to carry the orders out to the customers and bus the tables. All those little ketchup packets make a huge mess.”
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