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Argument Over Chicago Album Titles Turns Violent

A seemingly innocuous argument about the best album title in the Chicago discography turned violent Wednesday night.  LaCucaracha resident, Scott Gray, had invited friends over to watch an Astros baseball game when, for reasons unexplained, the conversation turned to album titles by the rock, jazz fusion and soft rock blending band, Chicago.  Gray was adamant that Chicago VIII was clearly their best album title, but Gray’s best friend, Daryl Drake, insisted it was Chicago 19 .  The rest of Gray’s guests were evenly divided along the Roman numeral v...

Town’s Collective Boredom Satiated by Cattle Trailer Accident

With downtown LaCucaracha’s morale at an all time low, the Texas Department of Transportation was forced to create an accident on the town square to alleviate the oppressive boredom caused by people actually performing their respective jobs.  “It had been nearly two weeks since something happened that would allow us to get up, look out the window, laugh, belittle, criticize or spout our own loosely formed theories about the scene on hand,” bank teller Sally Grohl said.  “We’ve had a rough go of it since those out-of-towners went the wrong way o...

Hallowed Ground McDonald’s Causes Controversy

Nine years ago this month, beloved LaCucaracha mayor, Ronald “Happy” Taylor, lost his life in a fierce battle with a Big Mac he purchased at the Sintown McDonald’s.  Mayor Taylor, or ‘Happy’, as he was known to everyone who ever shared a word or handshake with him, was returning to LaCucaracha from a Texas Municipal League meeting held in the state’s capitol.  Hungry, he stopped off at the McDonald’s drive thru for a quick bite to eat.  Normally, Happy would have gone for the McNuggets value meal since he was driving, and the nuggets were easie...

E-Gets iPhone App Causes Widget Plant Closure

New LaCucaracha resident, Ted Palmer, landed in LaCucaracha after losing his job at the Generic Manufactories plant in Fort Stockton.  Palmer remains bitter about the lay off, and somewhat baffled as to how exactly the widgets he made for over twenty years can be replaced by a “virtual widget,” the so-called, E-get (pronounced “ee-jet”).

The E-get recently became one of the most downloaded iPhone Apps ever produced.  Quite simply, the E-get is a virtual recreation of the widget made popular by Stuckey’s and Nickerson Farms in the 1970’s, and lat...

Retirement Scheme Backfires On Local Patriarch

Characterizing his idea at the time as “brilliant,” local father, Bill Sumner, 60, now admits his scheme has failed miserably.

Although Sumner was initially hesitant to admit the scheme’s failure, the occasion of his sixtieth birthday – and the subsequent visitation of his five children, Wal-Mart, Golden Corral, Ford, Coke and Lakewood Church – convinced him thoroughly that, indeed, his plan to make a fortune by naming his children after financially successful entities, was a bust.

“In 1975, when my first son was born, I thought, as a lark, I’d n...

Community College Student Conquers World with TOS Box

Shaun Johnson, a sophomore at McLennan Community College in Waco, has successfully conquered the entire civilized world with a simple legal maneuver. “My dad’s a lawyer, so I know all about that stuff from listening to him yak on the phone all the time about work,” said Shaun.

“Shaun just never realized his full potential – until now,” said his father Bill, “If he would have applied himself in high school, he could have gotten into a much better Jr. College, but I think he wanted to allow enough free time for gaming. I think gaming is a long-ter...

Youth Minister Fired for Giving Fake Testimony about Wild Past

Youth Pastor Paul, of the Texas Calvary Baptist Church, has mesmerized young people for years with his testimony of dramatic conversion. Pastor Paul’s testimony begins with salacious tales of hedonism in his youth and climaxes with an account of exiting an abortion clinic with one of his many conquests, and being saved by the message on a Pro-Life protester’s sign. His awe inspiring tale of transformation has led many young people in LaCucaracha to Jesus.

Pastor Paul joined Facebook last year to better stay in touch with the Texas Calvary youth ...

Sarah Palin Mauled By Mama Grizzly

Sarah Palin sustained serious injuries yesterday after a mama grizzly attacked her while filming an endorsement advertisement for Texas Governor, Rick Perry.

The spot was the brainchild of Palin and her handlers.  The idea centered on the staunch love and protection a maternal grizzly bear provides for her young.  Palin was set to urge Texans to protect their state in the same manner by re-electing Perry as governor of the great state of Texas.  Palin insisted that the spot be shot on film rather than digital video because “that’s how Ronald Rea...